.
There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my mind that even though I keep giving myself answers, my mind keeps pushing the question back to surface.
"Marriage?"
It's just that. That word, with a question mark. It's always open to interpretation I guess, and I always answer with a "No". Not in a definitive way that is no, but in a way I don't see it happening yet. Subconsciously my mind resurfaces the question every few moons, and the answer is always a no.
No, I'm not ready.
No, I can't even imagine it.
No, who is capable enough that I can depend on?
No, then I would have to take care of another/may other entities and I am just tired and I want to be taken care of for once.
No, I don't want to have too many things to think of.
No, I'm tired.
No, I actually like being alone.
All these answers are not true I guess. That's why the question keeps popping up. *sigh*
Age is not something that keeps me back, but responsibilities and commitments do. I committed myself to something financially big for the long run too, which I think added to the anxiety I'm feeling. Then there's work. To be honest the work itself doesn't scare me but being in that kind of environment does. The kind that there's too many rules and regulations and you are somewhat monitored. And then there's the pressure of having a family member working in the same place. There are expectations - and I'm allergic to expectations. I haven't fit in yet, haven't gone with the flow yet.
I don't feel like myself.
I have not regretted anything though. Because everytime I think about whether I've made the right decision to move after all, it's always a yes. Why? Because I can never think about going back to my previous job, even if I love the people there so much. The management level is shit and it is not going to change. Yes, I may see my friends less but all of us are planning to move on day by day. It's just a matter of time, and it's not like I won't see them at all ya know.
Family-wise, same same. Can't say much but I wish I have more energy these days to deal with things. I've given up on some aspects, and learned to tolerate on other aspects. Because its family after all. There are things that I still can't stand though and it is mostly on my brothers.
I've lost 20kgs since the operation in January and I think I'm finally reaching the stagnant bar. I haven't moved much from my current weight in the last 2-3 weeks, and that means I need to up the amount of physical I do each day. Except it's Ramadhan now, and I am pretty much energyless most days cuz I can't eat or drink much at sahoor or iftaar. I will fall asleep as early as 9PM on most weekdays. After Eid I will start going to the gym to tone my flabby parts. 30mins cardio, 15-30mins toning/muscle training should help a bit. I'll have a light lunch. Sandwiches or god knows what. It's hard for me to swallow rice these days nway so I can't like rice much. Except at 4Fingers cuz they make the rice super soft and the chicken super tender by double frying them.
Bias much hahaha
But hoping I can save some moolahs too.
Another thing is my spending habits.
NEED TO CURB THAT.
Can I give myself an exception and say this month I just needed so many stuff
Jyeah
There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my mind that even though I keep giving myself answers, my mind keeps pushing the question back to surface.
"Marriage?"
It's just that. That word, with a question mark. It's always open to interpretation I guess, and I always answer with a "No". Not in a definitive way that is no, but in a way I don't see it happening yet. Subconsciously my mind resurfaces the question every few moons, and the answer is always a no.
No, I'm not ready.
No, I can't even imagine it.
No, who is capable enough that I can depend on?
No, then I would have to take care of another/may other entities and I am just tired and I want to be taken care of for once.
No, I don't want to have too many things to think of.
No, I'm tired.
No, I actually like being alone.
All these answers are not true I guess. That's why the question keeps popping up. *sigh*
Age is not something that keeps me back, but responsibilities and commitments do. I committed myself to something financially big for the long run too, which I think added to the anxiety I'm feeling. Then there's work. To be honest the work itself doesn't scare me but being in that kind of environment does. The kind that there's too many rules and regulations and you are somewhat monitored. And then there's the pressure of having a family member working in the same place. There are expectations - and I'm allergic to expectations. I haven't fit in yet, haven't gone with the flow yet.
I don't feel like myself.
I have not regretted anything though. Because everytime I think about whether I've made the right decision to move after all, it's always a yes. Why? Because I can never think about going back to my previous job, even if I love the people there so much. The management level is shit and it is not going to change. Yes, I may see my friends less but all of us are planning to move on day by day. It's just a matter of time, and it's not like I won't see them at all ya know.
Family-wise, same same. Can't say much but I wish I have more energy these days to deal with things. I've given up on some aspects, and learned to tolerate on other aspects. Because its family after all. There are things that I still can't stand though and it is mostly on my brothers.
I've lost 20kgs since the operation in January and I think I'm finally reaching the stagnant bar. I haven't moved much from my current weight in the last 2-3 weeks, and that means I need to up the amount of physical I do each day. Except it's Ramadhan now, and I am pretty much energyless most days cuz I can't eat or drink much at sahoor or iftaar. I will fall asleep as early as 9PM on most weekdays. After Eid I will start going to the gym to tone my flabby parts. 30mins cardio, 15-30mins toning/muscle training should help a bit. I'll have a light lunch. Sandwiches or god knows what. It's hard for me to swallow rice these days nway so I can't like rice much. Except at 4Fingers cuz they make the rice super soft and the chicken super tender by double frying them.
Bias much hahaha
But hoping I can save some moolahs too.
Another thing is my spending habits.
NEED TO CURB THAT.
Can I give myself an exception and say this month I just needed so many stuff
Jyeah
