LS

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I've been in quite a foul mood these days. I channel Snape on a really bad day. His disapproving expression permanently etched on my face and that condescending tone when talking to people he hates. I hate my boss with a vengeance. I hate the double standard on politicians. I hate people, in general, I hate the public, I just hate every homo sapiens that lives and breathes. With an exception of few, perhaps. 

I hate working from home. 

I just finished watching BLACKPINK:Light It Up on Netflix and it got me all emotional - so I went to listen to their new album, but I've not gotten past Lovesick Girls yet. 

It's cute. 

I didn't think I would be crying and stuff. 

These kids work hard, they had the determination and they made their dreams happen. Sure, they managed to sign on with one of the big three of Korea's entertainment agencies, but that ain't easy either man.

I dunno. I don't have much to say. I'm bummed. We are having a semi-lockdown going on cuz some assholes keep sticking their dickies in places they shouldn't and don't do quarantine, and spread all over the country. Hey let's not quarantine and get everyone in Malaysia to quarantine instead. 

I'm bummed. 

A lot of replanning of marriage stuff, have to work from home again and my house is not done yet. 

I'M BUMMED AF. 

I'm not getting out of this slump as of now and I'm probably jeopardising my relationship with my boss by answering to her questions rudely but she had it coming anyway - and that's that. 

UGH

Reading Between Paragraphs

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As maybe most of the people know, I am getting married at the end of this month (October) and the reception keeps being pushed back and somehow my house was not completed last month, mostly due to Covid and it's not like I can get angry at anything Covid related or impacted by, ya know. 

What's a human supposed to do, blame God for making a pandemic wash over the world? Blasphemy.

As a muslim, we are taught that all happenings are by God's will and God's plan is divine. Makanya redha on whatever is happening. 

A lot of things in my planned life is being pushed back, not just my house. My akad, for one, was supposed to be in August, but pushed to Oct. Reception was pushed to November but then cases started raising again, and now mom and dad wants to push it to December. That being said, meaning gotta push back the gamelan, the makeup, the pelamin and hotel stuff, photographer la apa la. My house completion date could be in December or further, God knows. The property company is being a byatch about it but not much I can do about it either. If there weren't any Covid maybe they would be completed by now. They are only pending approvals and stuff, the whole development part is done - ish. 

Anyhoo, I bought a house not because I was planning to marry this year, when I bought it I had plans to retire as a cat lady, but Alhamdullilah Allah had other plans for me. However it was delayed so now, after marriage, I have to find a temporary place to stay. Why do we not stay at in-laws place you ask? Well, in his case, he is sharing a room with his brother, so if I move in - where does his brother sleep? Can't kick him out just cuz we need the room. If staying at my parents', there's the whole sister debacle still going on and it's not nice as well. 

Mom was saying 'Yeah sure you can stay for a while, but...' 

The but gets me. Me with my overthinking, sensitive, anxiety-ridden ass, I get it. I get it, it's not convenient. Though I felt short of being unwelcomed, I try not to go there cuz I would fall off a cliff and drown myself where in actuality I am feeling like that now, a bit. Drowning, can't breathe. Because me, being my own self, where I have a lot of terms and conditions, am being particularly particular about places to stay. I was sitting in the shower and contemplating how it is going to feel like - currently the anxious feeling reminds me of my first day in UTP, in this small dingy shared room and I have a shared bathroom with some people and the conditions of the room and everything in the building was old and way less than what my so called spoiled ass is used to. Though, everything went well. I was wondering if it was gonna be like that - and that was like 13 years ago. Damn, right. 

Made some appointments to view some places for rent, so I hope we can get a good one. Yeah it's easy for them to say, "find a small place, you're just staying for a short while, or if it's too expensive, rent a room". Gosh. Talk is so easy right. I don't think they had to go through that after marriage cuz my grandmother made sure they were covered. Funny thing, my grandmom was adamant when I told her I'm looking for places to rent. She said it's riddikulus. I should stay with my parents. 

Queen, Madame, I'm sorry I'm just gonna go with my own guts this time. 

It's kinda like treading on thin ice with my parents at the moment. Some days I feel like breaking down and just cry, but what's the point. I'm not in highschool, things don't get solved or things don't disappear just because you cry and cut your arms and bleed. Back then, it was an escape, the adrenaline rush, oxytocin pumps into your brain so that you don't hurt. But I'm not that kid anymore. Though, I wonder if I overdid it and that's why my chemicals are running low and I am having other problems.

I'm grateful to K, that he can stand my overbearing self like this. I'm not sure whether he is not used to planning so much but I am the type who does plan, a lot - I make lists for things and make pros and cons comparisons and he doesn't and even though it bums me when he doesn't (cuz I feel like I'm doing all the things myself) but if I sit down and think about it thoroughly, if he IS that type of person, it will be like fire versus fire and this whole relationship might just burn down. Imagine I met another me and we can't agree with each other. God. I cannot even imagine. I mean, I love myself, but sometimes I have to agree I'm not that likeable. That and I can be a snob. One of the reasons my circles are small. He is the water to my fire, blah blah blah. Most of the time. Sometimes we still fire each other up. What relationship is perfect? 

Work has been bearable. I went back to office for a few weeks but now cases are running high again, the company gets us to work from home full time and I am not a fan. Work gets done, but the motivation and productivity levels need extra effort to be maintain a certain level. 

I think my lavender EO is kicking in, and my eyes are feeling heavy. 

I am heavy. I've been binge eating.  A lot of snackos. Chocolate, seaweed chips. Hah, which is another bad sign of something. I checked my period cycles, I'm not due in another 2 weeks, so it's not the PMS. This I can't figure out. It baffles me that I know the signs, yet I continue to spiral down that rabbit hole of depression or anxiety or cookies and chocolate and whatever this is. 

Dunno, the human heart and brain and chemicals are so weird. You run a bit low or run a bit too much, you go cuckoo. I mean not always in a bad way, some things are inevitable. You go cuckoo sometimes. Not everyone can be normal. What is normal anyway. Dad was saying as a girl I have to cook if I go to in-laws and I was like, um, since when does a girl HAVE to cook at her in-laws. Who says guys can't cook at his in-laws as well? No point stereotyping nowadays when the household income is made up by both sides of the gender coin. Last time yeahla, we can say the male is always he alpha, the one bringing the food to the table and shit but not nemore nu'uh. Not tryna be a feminist here, it's just facts. We don't live in cavemen period where the men goes hunting for boars and sharks for the ladies to cook in the cave and ohh and aahh at their men's beards. 

MOVE ON.

(telling the world in general) 

CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT THING IN THIS LIFE. 

There will always be change. Somewhere, something, someone. 

Netflix update : Just finished Emily In Paris and S2 faster please and started watching Gilmore Girls. This is my first time watching GG and I'm hooked. Oh I'm sorry my mom didn't allow me to watch other than cartoons while growing up. My earliest memory of a tv show is "Power Stone" on AXN when I was 16. We (me and Umar) were only allowed to watch TV 6pm - 7pm on weekdays and 8am - 10am on weekends. Then we gotta study 8pm - 10pm and 10am - 2pm. So no Gilmore Girls or Friends for me back then.  

Monday pep-talk

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It's the last few days of Ramadhan already. Time sure flies. Not that I personally celebrate Raya much. Let me emphasize, PERSONALLY, because it's just me who thinks like that. My family members do enjoy Raya to an extent, especially mom cuz she gets to gather with her family members when we go back to our hometown. I'm okay on all the celebrations and going back hometown and stuff. More like, redha. Going with the flow. I used to be such an angry child, cuz I hate everything and everyone a lot when things are not going as per my expectations. Hitting my 30, maybe I gotten a bit more mature and accepting and learned to handle unpleasant things better so it doesn't take a toll on my mental.

I like to hold on to myself, at least.
The only person I can count on is myself. So I should take care of myself and love myself a lot. Not that I am incapable of friendship and love, but I approach the subject carefully. I don't have a large circle of friends, nor do I socialize much outside my circle. Treat your family dear, because they are your flesh and blood and insyaAllah they will treat you dear as well.

I learned that, you lead how you want people to treat you by example. I try to. When they don't reciprocate, then I change track. But family, there is no harm to treating them well. Your parents gave birth to you, and brought you up. They gave you the roof over your head, the clothes on your body and the food that you are fed on. Unless they are parents who abuse or crackhead parents, then I have no say. Only when you get older, you understand all the things the do for you. In this modern world though, parents are also a privilege. Being able to continue your studies well, is a privilege. They may say that education doesn't always guarantee a fine future, but it will help to pay some bills. Having a degree is like having a ticket for certain rides at the amusement park. If you don't have a ticket, you can only watch. I want to be a parent who can give that privilege to my kids.

Though, currently my furkids are getting the privileges tho, but that's okay. I wob my babies.

I read a post on @thewokesalaryman ig on having second source of income after your 30s and started to think seriously about what I can do to generate a second income. Of course it's not gonna be easy and I have to do it seriously, so that's why I'm thinking seriously on what to experiment and do. "Experiment to fail in a way that is fast and inexpensive, in order to eliminate ideas that cannot pull through". I read this somewhere on Harvard Business School, on Project Management. Well, this is a project too, I can apply it here. First things first though, making a list and getting through them. 

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Yesterday was a hectic day, in the morning I drove mom to Spotlight@MyTown for her to restock her fabric and on the way, this magnificent looking Ferrari passed by us. It's not the typical Ferrari car that we know, a different model. It had such a shiny beautiful red, and the sleekest body I've seen and my heart just went kyun kyun and excited. Then I told mom, my next goal is to upgrade my car and she was like "that one?" in a incredulous tone. I'm like, nahh, not that far. Even my mortgage is for 35 years, how am I gonna afford that one? "Unless you get rich, of course." "Amiinn" I said. Aleea always tells me what people tell you are doa for you, so yeah, Amiin! I didn't have big dreams for myself. Since I was highschool I knew I wanted to do computer stuff, so I went ahead and did that. After that my goal was to buy my own house, and alhamdulillah it is in progress, so I am moving on to the next goal, a second source of income, or a business. I think, that's how I can word it. 

On failures. What can I say about failures? 

I've failed a lot on my way - I was even told in one interview that I should give up programming. It was sometime when I was doing really bad in my first year of Masters and wanted to start working again. Imagine someone telling you to give up the only thing you know how to do. Tbh I was flabbergasted and wanted to break down, but I held on until the end of the interview and until I reached my car, then I broke down. I cried and cried. I didn't hate that lady much at the time, but I hated myself. It was the lowest point of my life I think, I was failing in my Masters and someone was telling me I fail at being a programmer. I hated myself for a while (more like a semester, because I went on with my Masters and tried to look for jobs but with a discouraged heart) but I think what I did was to sit down at the end and replanned. I failed, ok, the what? What's the lessons here? I decided to change my Masters to coursework and finished it while brushing up on my programming skills again, and then focused on looking for a job once I graduate. 

I never really told anyone this. I always wrote it somewhere, but I never told anyone face to face. Like now. I'm writing it all down here. Spilling my guts to a portal on the net where anyone can read. Maybe it will help someone. 

I remember dad telling me that he had to choose between a job that he didn't really want to do and the job that he would've liked to do because the former pays more and he has a family to feed. He chose the former, but that led him to working in his current company, which is a very good one. Even dad, have made such a huge sacrifice first. Being the head of a family is hard. I can't imagine. That's why I try to be as independent as I can and growing up and support my parents now that they are older, I've had good role models - and I am thankful about that.

What I'm trying to say is, failures are okay. Of course you would fail at one point, else how do you mature? Not everyone will share their failures, so of course you'd only see them when they are successful. The important thing the lessons learned and the next step to take. Always move forward. Dad's story tells me that your responsibilities weigh higher that your dreams.

Maybe that's why I have goldfish memory. I'm too lazy to remember too much on stuff that I've put behind me. I'm not that particularly clever either so I just stick to what I know. Maybe I'm lazy too, so I always start with small goals.

Yesterday while driving to MyTown, I was telling mom about wanting to find a second income and she was telling me I should be speculative if I couldn't be innovative and she went on about the 3 design process that they have when doing critiques on the students (she's a architecture lecturer). Innovative, Speculative or Experiential Design. Innovative is more to thinking out of the box, Speculative is more on predicting trends and Experiential is embodying overall experience in design of the architecture. So she was telling me to predict trends and hopping on the early bandwagon. So I told her, I'm definitely not innovative, else I would've done well in my first Master's attempt, among other things I've tried. I am not speculative as well, that much I can say. I was always an experiential person in most aspects of life. I go ahead and jump into trying something first before decided I will go ahead with it or not. If no, then it's fine, move on. If it's nice, yay. Then I told her about the whole 'experiment to fail in a way that is fast and inexpensive' thing and she was like okay then started to ponder what her style. Then we reached MyTown.

Knowing yourself is also crucial.
Not being satisfied in your comfort zone on some aspects is also important.
Like, I've reach a goal, so what's next? I'm not gonna just be comfortable just because I've reached a goal. There's still a next next next. You'll know along the way.

It's 8am. I need to get ready for this and that and start working.
Maybe I'll do a quarantine haul post next. Or video. Who knows.

Distant

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Sometimes my ears feel blocked and there's like a weird hum going on, and I dunno what that is and I noticed it happens when I have a real stiff neck as well, so maybe related to blood pressure or blood flow? God knows. I'd go for a check but it's just a hassle.

I'm listening to Lee Hi's SEOULITE album tonight. I love her voice, it's so deep and soulful. The song BREATHE, its so calming. I close my eyes and just let the music flow over me and it feels nice. Like you're just sitting at the window, overlooking the twinkling city and letting the night breeze sweep over your face once in a while. The song is saying, it's okay, take a deep breath, rest, I'll watch over you, you did well.

You're doing well Asma'.

Tbh I don't think I've been doing well. I've started binge eating again and it's not a good sign, esp when I can literally feel my fats doubling and tripling under my skin.

"Said you're chasing your dreams, but why are you just lying there"

It's perplexing to me, human emotions. Even my own emotions confuse me. It can change in a blink of an eye. The strongest feeling I have right now is that ' I don't care. ' Yes, if I could simplify it, it feels like that. I don't care, I don't care about you. I will just care about myself, because no one would, deshou? Those people who keep saying that they care, but do nothing. Lip service. Gosh, I hate those kind of people. I hate inconsistent people as well. I hate people just doing nothing but complain about how their situation doesn't change.

Bullshit innit?
You don't even do anything but you expect a change? Funny funny funny.

Gosh, I'm so sleepy. It's only 11PM though.
Nites.

5am

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I don’t regret much things in life, generally. Cuz u gotta reap what u sow and there ain’t much u can do about it once things happened other than to deal with it and take in lessons from it.

But suddenly this morning I remember there was a time when I deeply regretted a decision I made during high school, and prayed to God to never let me do such a thing again. It was my during my adolescences, and I was not mature. It’s just that, suddenly now, I hated my younger self that did that.

But you know, there’s no such things as a mistake in God’s plans. Everything happens for a reason. I should stop regretting and have faith in His plans.

Easier said than done, of course.
But to start, one needs to accept the hard facts. 

Blue and Orange Sunrise

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Movement Restriction Order day-25, I think.

It's Sunday today and last Friday the government announced an extension to the MRO in Malaysia until 28th April and I'm like partly 'oh, that was expected since the number of cases have been plateau and they expected the virus to peak mid-April' and another part was like 'oh, demn'. I was like down the whole day, mostly cuz I miss my bae and I wanna see him, and I prefer to work from office tbh, working from home doesn't work for me as much...my productivity is not at 100% if you ask me, and I do prefer face to face meetings because well, communication issues...but I do like the fact that I can wake up later and 'reach home' earlier than usual. The government are doing awesome (albeit some people who are coming up with weird ideas like Doraemon and TikTok contests) and I truly appreciate that and am doing my best to support them. Right before COVID-19 hit Malaysia hard, the politics were in turmoil and ended up our current PM was chosen to step up by YDP Agung and he received this huge responsibility in this very trying times.  Me, being me, didn't really take much interest in politics - mainly cuz I tried to understand it but just ended up seeing the worst of humans so I decided not to give a shit. Mom was like 'it is your social responsibility to know' and I'm sorry mom, not this time. Anyway, our current PM, I don't know you well, but my heart goes out to you in your efforts to govern this country in this struggling time and you have been doing so so so well and please take care of your health too cuz what I heard, he just recovered from a bout of sickness as well.

:(

Onwards.

I'm addicted to coffee. No shit. I need to have coffee daily, and not the instant one, I needed proper coffee so I bought some grounded beans and brought out the old espresso machine out and it's working so far. It's been a day, lol. I mean, I've been having dalgona coffee for almost everyday in the last 3 weeks, and the amount of sugar I consume on the daily is concerning. My eczema have been flaring up and it means my sugar levels are quite on the high level as the bacterias are zooming about my blood vessels and multiplying and spreading faster before my antibody can kill them so it is a concern. How do I know? My wrists starts to get itchy and now it's all bloody and wounded and it's not nice man and my whole body at days feels itchy - like directly under my skin, so yeah. It's not comfortable. Hence tryna cut the dalgona and cut the desserts and cut the chocolates. Thing is, now that I've got the espresso machine out, I realize again that I need some equipments , like the milk frother jug and shot glasses. And good milk. I had some from MilkLab, but had used up the last of it yesterday and we only have HL milk and I tried to use that and it didn't taste as good. HL was nice with dalgona but not with the espresso one. But there's still 2 cartons of HL milk so I don't wanna buy more and waste this one, esp not in this time where produce is sacred.

Mom bought a bread maker as well, cuz she was influenced by my aunties but guess who's making em? Moi. As with the juice maker. It's only me making juices for parents else nobody touched the damn juice maker. Well, but I volunteered cuz I was having juice everyday at work - like proper cold-pressed juice, so I was all happy to have it at home, but bread maker? BREAD maker. I don't even like bread that much. Family eats a lot of bread tho - currently we still have a loaf of Gardenia so I'm not making any bread now, atleast until that one is almost finished. Jangan membazir.

I did look up bread recipes dy tho muhaha.

I am mostly pishang because I miss bae. I wanna see him and hang out and eat and do what we do. We are not much texters, and calls have their limits too. Told him we shud've gotten married earlier this year but yeahla who knew we are going to be under pandemic outbreak, jadi bertabah sahaja lah. My house also no news. And I hope we can get it by June, so I can start checking and renovate and decorate. I realized that in my head, my house kinda has a lot of plants. Plants and cats tho. I plan to have Miso with me, since she likes to be alone so maybe she'll be happy to start over in a house without any other catto. Parents can keep Kiki and family but I dunno if bae has any cats he wanna bring over so gotta consider that too.

These days I slept late (1 AM is considered late for me la) and wake up and try not to sleep back after Subuh prayers too but seems like okay ish. Cuz usually 11pm I'm bonkers already. Tired la from commuting then full if I have dinner as well. It's weekend and I'm supposed to finish Killing Commendatore, but I'm still at 65% of the book. Not that it ceases to be interesting, but I've been distracted with cats on TikTok. It's just sooo cute. So so so so so cute. I will review Killing Commendatore of course, once finished. Somehow, I have very less interest in reading western books, of any genre these days. I like Japanese literature, and I like writings by Murakami and Ruth Ozeki. I've been trying to find something like 'Memoirs of A Geisha' but have not been successful. I read and re-read Memoirs of A Geisha because it was so well written and lovely, detailed but not to throw you off - as the nature of their occupation and how they came into being one. The writer (not Japanese) portrayed them beautifully. I still like reading, it's just that nowadays it's hard to find a book that hooks me. Murakami is one of those and I've been keeping a collection of his books to read. Whenever I go to Kino or Borders or BBW, I tend to want to buy - but it will be on my shelf for a while. There was that phase where I was into fantasy realms and sci-fi - I think that was when Zuhair introduced me to it, and was hooked and every time we met we just talked about books and characters and it was so much fun cuz it's not always you find someone to talk about books like that. Very little people in my life that I had that kind of connection. I think, roughly 3-4 people? Now we don't talk much anymore. He started to going into investigative criminal books and I started working and had less time to read so now when we meet, we hardly talk. Oh, I just remembered. He introduced me to Percy Jackson and yes it was neat af to learn about Greek myths and Rick Riordan always had a fun spin to things, and he goes into all the other ethnicities as well, like Egyptian myths and what not. That's how I have bits of pieces of info in my head, I guess.

Almost 8 am now.

I miss nasi lemak. A really good one, wrapped in banana leaf.
Uwu. 

Bingeing on Chestnut Head

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After finishing Itaewon Class on Netflix, I am binge watching dramas with Park Seo Jun. I rewatched Fight My Way (so the cutest) and just finished What's Wrong Secretary Kim today. Aih, he is indeed the best lead for rom-coms...well Itaewon class was not a rom-com, it was more on being the underdog and his journey in toppling the upper class but hey it's Korean dramas, there's some romance in there for sure. Secretary Kim is pretty much a straight up rom-com, but it's cute and sweet. I was definitely feeling fuwa fuwa at the end.

Well, not that I watch much dramas or movies that doesn't have romance in it. I am mostly a chick flick of a person. I had a phase during university where I watch these indie movies with weird themes, but I kinda outgrew it because I think it had some negative impact on me. I realized my emotions are easily influenced by media, so I try not to go into something too disturbing. Japanese indie movies can be quite disturbing. I've watched a bit of stuff. Back in uni days, you can get almost anything on the p2p network. Hehe. My reads too. It went from teenage adventure things to rom-com to psychological or indie fiction and now I mostly just read Japanese literature like Murakami. However, Murakami is kinda heavy for one to read, so usually I don't delve unless I can totally focus on it. Which is getting harder these days with distractions from my phone.

Feeling major bloated today because I ate a lot, or maybe it's an everyday thing? Kinda hard to keep track of what day it is with this movement lockdown order but definitely kept tabs on when is weekend. Since I don't have to bother with texts about work and opening email and stuff. Work has been slow, but them bosses are monitoring more strictly than ever, which is kinda harder on us working levels cuz well, if we don't have much to do, what can we do? I also am dealing with Singapore branch but I heard today Singapore is also on a Movement Control Order thingy so a lot of things are being put on hold until things cleared up with the virus.

But I did hear that the exotic market in Hubei is back on, and there are second waves of coronavirus coming from there and I'm like having this facepalm moment and wondering if this vicious cycle is ever gonna end until someone finds a vaccine. I'm even getting anxiety looking at pictures of crowds nowadays. I was editing pictures from Japan trip few years ago and well there was a lot of pictures with crowds - esp in Dotonbori area but I was having minor anxiety attacks looking at the pictures. Like, people, stahp. So I didn't post those pictures because well, it might not be such a positive picture to be shown in this kind of situation.

Numbers in Malaysia went up today, and I'm not sure what to make of it. The officials shared that they expected the highest number of infections in Malaysia would be sometime in mid-April, but...aren't we supposed to finish the MCO by then? I do foresee an extension. Even though this isolation life is slowly slowly affecting me. Partly I feel like on a super long holiday with the family - which is what we do mostly, eat and hang around but this time without a destination. Have not felt like killing each other yet, but we are kinda tired I think. Byk complain en? I shouldn't tho. There are people in worse conditions that us and I should be grateful that even in this MCO, our family is able to function normally.

I need to find other things to do than Netflix tho. Have not moved from the second chapter of Killing Commandatore, so i should start on that tomorrow. Or clean my bookcase, whichever comes first.

Crossover is having major sales and I was not able to decide which to get. I dunno, saving up seems to be a healthier choice, but sometimes I'm a bit stressed out or frustrated I go and surf and add to cart stuff but I didn't check them out yet. Am debating between a Nike Air Max 270 React or Adidas Supercourt or Adidas Ozweego. I am leaning towards Ozweego because Mino has one he keeps wearing but that exact colorway is totally unavailable on JD or Adidas or Crossover. But Reac tis SUPER COMFY THO. Meh. I wanna matchy2 with bae also. I lob u Song Mino. Your style and fashion sense and your existence just make me fuwa fuwa.