Questions With No Real Answers

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There is this one question that always lingers in the back of my mind that even though I keep giving myself answers, my mind keeps pushing the question back to surface.

"Marriage?"

It's just that. That word, with a question mark. It's always open to interpretation I guess, and I always answer with a "No". Not in a definitive way that is no, but in a way I don't see it happening yet. Subconsciously my mind resurfaces the question every few moons, and the answer is always a no.

No, I'm not ready.
No, I can't even imagine it.
No, who is capable enough that I can depend on? 
No, then I would have to take care of another/may other entities and I am just tired and I want to be taken care of for once.
No, I don't want to have too many things to think of.
No, I'm tired.
No, I actually like being alone.

All these answers are not true I guess. That's why the question keeps popping up. *sigh*

Age is not something that keeps me back, but responsibilities and commitments do. I committed myself to something financially big for the long run too, which I think added to the anxiety I'm feeling. Then there's work. To be honest the work itself doesn't scare me but being in that kind of environment does. The kind that there's too many rules and regulations and you are somewhat monitored. And then there's the pressure of having a family member working in the same place. There are expectations - and I'm allergic to expectations. I haven't fit in yet, haven't gone with the flow yet.

I don't feel like myself.

I have not regretted anything though. Because everytime I think about whether I've made the right decision to move after all, it's always a yes. Why? Because I can never think about going back to my previous job, even if I love the people there so much. The management level is shit and it is not going to change. Yes, I may see my friends less but all of us are planning to move on day by day. It's just a matter of time, and it's not like I won't see them at all ya know.

Family-wise, same same. Can't say much but I wish I have more energy these days to deal with things. I've given up on some aspects, and learned to tolerate on other aspects. Because its family after all. There are things that I still can't stand though and it is mostly on my brothers.

I've lost 20kgs since the operation in January and I think I'm finally reaching the stagnant bar. I haven't moved much from my current weight in the last 2-3 weeks, and that means I need to up the amount of physical I do each day. Except it's Ramadhan now, and I am pretty much energyless most days cuz I can't eat or drink much at sahoor or iftaar. I will fall asleep as early as 9PM on most weekdays. After Eid I will start going to the gym to tone my flabby parts. 30mins cardio, 15-30mins toning/muscle training should help a bit. I'll have a light lunch. Sandwiches or god knows what. It's hard for me to swallow rice these days nway so I can't like rice much. Except at 4Fingers cuz they make the rice super soft and the chicken super tender by double frying them.

Bias much hahaha

But hoping I can save some moolahs too.

Another thing is my spending habits.
NEED TO CURB THAT.
Can I give myself an exception and say this month I just needed so many stuff

Jyeah

Of Disasters and Recovery

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These days if I stay up for night support, which usually means staying up from 11PM to 12PM the next day in , my skin gets so shit on the coming days, and I crave sugar like hell. Talk about screwing up the body clock man.

I finally got the email from HR on my resignation confirmation, which I will have to forward to my next company for confirmation and processing also, and it kinda hit me. It's confirmed. I'm leaving this place, jumping to another place where god knows what I should expect. I'm still feeling surprisingly calm about it. Tbh the first two weeks after I sent in my resignation, I felt anxious, and felt a lot of guilt towards my seniors who I felt I was a helping hand. Those were the days I couldn't sleep much. Plus there were a lot of work and I was tired and the whole cannot sleep thing kinda screwed me up more. Fast forward to today, I guess I kinda loosened up a bit because there isn't much things going on at work and I'm just trying to absorb the days I have left with my friends here.

That's the only thing I would miss a lot I guess. The camaraderie and friendship I have here is something else. Its not always you meet people who click with you so well on so many different levels, and I initially could not imagine my days of work without these people. I had thoughts of leaving much earlier, but like I always told Adi, it was because of the friends I have here, I could hold on. Another reason is the amount of support I have from my superiors here, Danny and CS. To be honest, in this environment where the client has some high expectations on you and I sometimes I felt that being a girl in this  male dominated environment does have it perks and non perks. Or being a total noob so these two amazing men would always somehow swoop and protect me. Nearest example was the latest night support situation. Okay so we were on night support for two days, first night was Danny and CS and the second night was supposed to be me and CS. The second night was expected to NOT have any issues because it was a pretty much straightforward thing going on and I'm just there for show I guess....and I was not expecting them both to come because they were busy and tired enough from the first night - where most of the issues come out - and I knew they came back late and is so tired from the previous night so I was like hella prepared to be alone and handling things in whatever way I can and gosh pray to God things will go well but I was so anxious anyway as usual because I'm such a noob. Plus CS also already texted me saying 'I'll try to come if I can wake up' or something along those lines. Danny said he'll be coming but I was not hoping on it knowing how tired they both are.

BUT, they both came. Even bringing coffee for me. GOSH you do not know how relieved I am at their presence. The night went well, but anything that needed to be done was done by them. Not that they didn't let me, but it's because I was not experienced enough to be doing all the things that they had to do. I felt bad though. All I did was to stay up with them and well, even though on my part I did learn and experienced things, but then, I'll be going. I wished I could help them more.

I always felt like I was taken cared of by these two - a LOT. And I cannot express how grateful I am for them.

Today was kinda peaceful at work, but I had my first day of period so hormones went awry. Was like hyper after lunch but then I felt down at dinner. Dindins was a bit funny though. I was down but then I tried to like, be involved as much as I can cuz it's not nice to effect other people when you're the one having issues with yourself lol. Anyway, we went to this posh Thai place, and when I mean posh it always the places that kinda have some cray cray prices and gosh,their reaction when opening up the menu was hilarioussssss. The food prices were a bit outrageous if you ask me, like RM18 for a damn omelette (how much can a fucking egg cost - but yeah I won't say out loud, but just not order lah, cuz ur there anyway and was gonna eat there so don't complain so much. If wanna complain then we should've just went somewhere else)  Atleast food was good tho. Their faces and reaction when they opened the menu was effing hilarious though. I kinda expected the reaction XD did not disappoint tho hahahahaha. After that we went to StarB and hung out talking about random stuff until around 11 ish.

And now I'm home.

Another bizarre thing is K this morning texting me out of the blue for nothing. Well, it was a nice surprise since I hardly hear from him first. I guess that put a smile on my face today. 

Close to Closing

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First things first.

I am quitting my job. Well, basically I tendered my resignation letter already but the boss is being a pain and not giving the green light to HR to process it - and why I need them to process it ASAP is because the company I am going to is buying me out for a month - so basically I am left with one month (even less now when I think of it) spending time with my friends here and I am feeling a whole load of bittersweet from that.

Trust me, it is so hard to find people who you just fit in so well with and enjoy working with - too bad the management screws me up royally hence I decided to find a new job. IT IS SO EFFING BITTERSWEET because I have grown so fond of these people that I can't even imagine of going to work and not working WITH them anymore

but I guess that is the reality that I am going to face soon.

Let's talk about what transpired so far.

I sent in my resume quite a few months ago to this company on a huge whim because I went emotional when a certain hard headed PM threw a fit in a meeting and I felt like I don't deserve to be treated this way after all the effort I've put into this company and regardless this PM is new and not used to this company and how it worked, it is none of my business as I felt that I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE THROWN A FIT AT.

Anyway so starting that I started applying for jobs but kinda stopped after a while cuz I got busy and I was like, meh, let me finish this one project cycle first atleast and receive the hard earned increment, bonus and promotion and then ciao from here. Fast forward to end of January, I got a call from this company and they called me up for an interview - and the company being of quite a big and successful one, I was like, meh why not I go and try. Which I did, and I guess I did well cuz they called me up for a second interview - which went well and by this time I felt that it went too well and it could be either very good or very bad but decided to have faith and trust in God's plans for me because I've felt that the road won't be easily opened up for me unless Allah decides it's good for me. It has always been like that for me though, all my life. Things will go well as long as you have faith.

And with that faith, I decided to accept it.

Now comes the hard part. Resigning. Gosh, I cannot tell you how much I love the team here, and the thought of leaving tears me up inside. To be honest, as friends, we still can meet up outside, but in terms of work, I cannot yet imagine to find people who I can work with so dynamically. It is not just the fact that they help me so much, but the fact that they make me strive to be amazing like them. Haih. I felt like lately I am just trying to spend as much time with them as I can, because I know I am going to miss them a lot lot lot lot lot lot.

Sedih lah.

The only and main reason I am leaving is because despite all our efforts, the management doesn't care for our efforts and treats us like shit. That's all man. I dunno. I told them, people will stay if they feel taken care of and there's something in it for them. For me, they don't give a damn about employee welfare and even though there's a lot still for me to learn, I am not sure if I should sacrifice my health for it. I mean, life is just once man. If you know how I work, it's always late and neverending and the management pushes for our time like crazy. Profit profit profit. It's all they think of. I can't handle the distress caused by the management on my part. I may seem like an important pawn to them, but I don't like seeing how they treat other pawns as if we are so easily disposable.

I am just going to miss my friends and the chemistry we have when we work. It's always hard, but then who knows what the future brings.

Being On The Fence

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It's 1AM ish and I just got back from work, well technically got off work around 10:30PM but then was waiting around for them other peeps, and then we grabbed dinner and talked a bit - ended up I reached home at 1AM. Phone was ringing off the hook cuz Dad just came back from his Johor trip and of course he doesn't like it that I come back too late.

As always.

Does answering stupid whatsapp messages from your boss count as working hours? Cuz if so, yes. I did read an article before about how the Ministry of Labor or something was saying how if the boss still finds you after working hours through whatsapp or other means of communication, it is considered working hours and you can claim overtime from it. Well, it does make sense right? You are off work, so that mother effer should understand and NOT bother you with work shit. Wait for tomorrow la omg. However some opinions seem to differ, on how things can get ambiguous when you communicate through chat apps, and it's informal. However, even government workers have Whatsapp groups related to work and shit. It is quick, fast and efficient but then some people get desensitized and misuse. Well those people are shitty assholes who I won't even reply too unless I HAVE to. Unless the work itself is related to something wrong that I did and I gotta fix it asap as it is impacting other people but if NOT, NO.

I may have come off a bit on the angry side lately. I keep hearing people telling me "Asma janganla marah" when I'm just replying people- rather curtly - depends on who it is too hehe. I've accepted that I am a transparent person, and that my emotions show too easily. Still trying to see the pros and cons in it. Everyday I tell myself to try to keep it in and chill, but at the end of the day somehow they still show. *shrug*  I used to keep things to myself a lot but in the end there's no use letting those pent up feelings eat up at your heart and suffer by yourself. Why should I make myself miserable when the other side don't even know or even give a fuck?

Nah.

In this life, this too short of life, why should I suffer by myself because of other people? What have they done for me that I need to kill my heart over them? What compensation I get, is it even enough to kill myself over things that is out of my control? Nah.

NAH

NAH

SO

I'm not angry.

I just love myself more, that's all.

No I Did Not Go For Liposuction

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Well, my surgery went fine! It's two weeks post operation now and I am doing okay, I guess. Doc gave me 3 weeks off from the day of surgery and I am entering the last week of my recuperation period and is doing good I guess.

How is the whole process?

Okay so, I checked into the ward on Sunday evening, and had to fast starting at 12AM till the operation on Monday. The anesthetic doctor came to see me to explain the whole anesthesia process and side effects where they will put a tube through my throat to my stomach to drug my tummy during the surgey and got me to sign some stuff. Side effects after the anesthesia included nausea, vomiting, hard to breathe ( because my lungs shrank a bit during the time the anesthesia goes thru my body) and a few others I don't remember.

Then my doctor came and asked me how I was and explained again how the surgery will go. At this point I didn't feel much but I couldn't really sleep, being at a new place and all. The next day, hospitals being hospitals, and the surgery ended up starting around 1:30PM. I had to get butt naked and get into the white operation robe, laid on the bed and let them wheel me to the operation theater (OT). Inside was freaking cold. I kept thinking about those medical dramas I watched and wondering if it were like that, but NOOOO, the journey was more dingy and noisy than expected. Felt so vulnerable and scared. Thankfully most of the docs and nurses were so kind (I guess they sorta get it that I'm scared stiff about them poking inside my stomach and cutting it up and stuff).

Anyway once they got you asleep, you're gone. I didn't feel a thing. All I remember is waking up on the bed and groaning cuz my stomach was having this searing pain and I was crying and saying 'It hurts, it hurts'. It was all sorts of hazy (is this what it feels to be high muhaha). I remember vaguely nurses came to check on me and injected me with painkillers and tried to soothe me. Then I was out again haha. Next thing I know I was in my room and my mom was next to me asking me if I'm okay.

My operation wounds were covered with band aids, but my stomach was a bit swollen on one side. It hurts he most on the left side, and doc said that was the biggest wound because that's where the tools had to penetrate 3 levels of muscles before reaching the stomach and it is also where they take out the the cut stomach.

It hurts, but I won't say it's not bearable. Initially my pain threshold is already pretty low. I'm a crybaby. So yeah, I was in pain but not to the point of crying. My mouth felt dry and it was hard to breathe cuz every time your stomach moves you get a jolt of pain. I was not allowed to drink or eat anything for the first 2 days, only medications. I was pretty weak. Couldn't even prop myself up on the bed without help and cannot even go to the toilet. Two times I had to pee and had to call the nurse to help me pee in a container and she wipes my privates clean. Oh I don't think I can ever recover from that horror.

Doc and his team will come visit and check up on you everyday and nurses will come in every few hours to check your blood, blood pressure and give you medications if needed. Food comes even though you cannot eat, so mom eats em. Trust me, after the operation, the smell of food just makes you wanna vomit. By the third day I just cannot stand all the hospital smells and dying to get home. I was not allowed to shower for 3 days dood. THANKFULLY, it was the day the doctor told me I can be discharged. He took out the band aids covering the operation wounds and sprayed some chemical stuff to make them waterproof and told me okay, you're good to go after the dietitian briefs you on your diet during recovery. Finally saw my operation wounds and was surprised it looked like nothing much. There are four thin lines in total. Two around 0.5 cm long and another two around 2cm long. Like cat scratches.

Dietitian came and explained all the four transitions of food that I have to go through while going thru recovery. First phase; liquid diet. Second phase; mashed/pureed diet. Third phase: Soft foods. Fourth phase: Slowly introducing normal food. My eating habits need to change. Chew many times and swallow slowly. Eat protein first in any case. The amount of food I can ingest is very small as compared to before so I need to pace myself. If I overeat, I will vomit.

Anyway, ALHAMDULLILAH I AM FINALLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. Car ride was rough and bumpy and hurts but it was fine CUZ I AM GOING HOME BABY. The smell of air outside has never been so fresh and beautiful to me.  I'm telling you, just being able to take shower and sleep in my own bed, made me feel at least 30% better.

Into the third week, I have lost around 10kg since the pre-op and feeling a bit lighter on my feet. It doesn't hurt much unless I put a lot of pressure on it. Like lifting heavy stuff etc. Kinda got used to the new diet too. Given my original weight, it takes a lot moar to see any big changes on my body size I guess. Internally I feel better. It really is impossibru fo rme to eat a lot. I read that my stomach capacity is around 150ml, and my appetite inducing hormones are somewhat majorly lessened so I don't feel any craving to eat anything much. My stomach also can't expand much as the lining that usually expands is the one removed in the surgery. So, I really can't eat much. Downside is I am not used to the low amount of calories per day so my energy runs out pretty fast. I get pretty tired and groggy after walking around for half an hour maybe.

For example my diet as I move to the second phase are,

• Breakfast - 1 cup of soup or yogurt drink or milk or milo
• Lunch - soft egg tofu (around 100g) with thai sauce or smoothies
• Dinner - a glass of milk 

Will be having a follow up appointment with the doctor this Friday and gosh I kinda cannot wait to get back to my daily life. Tho I am considering if I need to order food from the kids menu now since I can't even finish a plate of food these days. I miss bread tho. Kept thinking about croissants and sourdough. Am also out and about these days to build up my stamina. Tried to drive today and it was okay too. I felt jolts of pain sometimes but not hurting like super hurting. If I have to compare, the first week of surgery I felt like I kept being stabbed deeply and as the days go its as if he stabber got gentle and stabbed me less deeply haha.

Or at least what I imagine being stabbed by a knife feels like. 

XD

All Milk and No Rice

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My pre-operation checkup went fine. Doc said I had signs of early diabetes but it will be okay along side the operation. So, now I am into 3 days of pre-op diet...and I am starting to feel the struggle.

Pre-op diet consists of drinking protein milk 4 times a day and this supposedly sums up my calorie count for the whole day to be 800kcal. While it was no issue for me to take up drinking the milk and no issues in term of food temptations, I was starting to become quite sick of the drink. So....I took it upon myself to have a cheat meal this weekend. (Doc and the dietitian would not like to hear that I bet) But then starting Monday I will be back on the protein diet...until the surgery, which is in another 7 days or so.

I dunno what to expect though. I had my first experience of being 'asleep' while they were doing the endoscopy and it was kinda surreal. One moment I was awake and trying to get used to the mouth gag thingy they had on me so I won't bite on the endoscopy camera, the next moment I was waking up to these 2 nurses wheeling me away to another room. I did vaguely remember some sensations of things being poked into my mouth and my saliva running out from the side of my mouth but it felt like a dream, cuz I can't totally remember anything happening. Just weird sensations here and there.

It was pretty surreal.

I wondered if the operation is gonna be like that too.

I dunno. Wish me well peeps.

Work has been meh. I am starting to feel more useless at work because there's too many things to do, and things gotta be done fast, and not all of us (i.e. me) have the skills or knowledge for stuffs, and it always ended up the seniors doing all the work. So I felt useless and kinda unmotivated, plus I felt like I'm not learning much, so yeah. I wanted to get out of this job soon, hopefully. I jut need a bit more money in my savings so I can go in peace.

Bleh. 

Wrapping up 2017

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It's currently the first of January 2018, andddd around 38 minutes to the second of January of 2018 and I just couldn't sleep cuz I had a power nap of sorts in the evening and that usually screws up my night sleeping schedule, but I will be able to wake up normally in the morning, so, yeah.

Unimportant opening.

Anyway I couldn't go to sleep without verbally summarizing my year, which I think is the most epic year to-date in my life so far. As I kept saying on my instagram, 2017 was LIT.

Okay to start it off, let's go back to the last quarter of 2016 - when I was going thru a major shitty time. I was about to be engaged to this guy, let's name him K, but then shit happens and we broke-up and went our separate ways. Then Owen died, bitten by a stray dog. Owen, was probably the last cat of my current life. I loved him, we slept together everyday, we prayed together everyday and he was somehow always there when I was down. Seriously. I could be sad or stressed out and was lying on the bed and he would suddenly march in and jumped on me as if telling me, its ok human, I'm here, I love you. So when he died, I was just....crazy heartbroken.

I was in a very bad state of mind, and kinda just threw myself into work at the time. Thankfully there was a shitload to do (until now tho) and it took my mind off of things and helped me slowly recover and get back on my feet. It was around after my birthday I guess (my birthday is on the last day of the year, so go figure) and I decided 2017 is going to be the year where I focus on ME. I wasn't going to hold back and the first thing I did was book me a flight to Osaka, Japan, with mom and sis.

Fast forward a few months and the three of us was on the plane to Japan! It was damn exhilarating, I'm telling you. Even though I can say I've lived in Japan when I was small, there was a limit to what I wanted and can do. Heck, I didn't even know what I can do at the time, because I feel in love with Japan AFTER I came back. I was around 10 years old at the time, so what did you expect this 10 year old to do in life? She just went to school, made friends, had family time, eat and enjoyed life day by day. We were in Osaka for 3 days, and then took the Shinkansen to Kyoto. I am telling you now, it was not enough. 3 days each in each region was NOT enough for me to cover everything. I wish to go again this year, and spend a lot more time.

This was where I bought my first NMD's and just fell in love and went YOLO-ed and ended up with 3 pairs just this year. (Don't ask me how much it all encompasses to)

Came back, and within weeks, managed to plan out another trip to Yogyakarta with Jie, Zera, Mel and Sangeeta. Bam, that WAS not in my year itinerary but heck, I wanted to just travel everywhere  that year and I went YOLO and leggo. It was another epic journey. We went during Wesak and Jogja being a region where most of the people are Buddhist, so the holiday was a huge deal. Our supir (driver) managed to get us tickets to join the lantern releasing at THE Borobudur Temple. The crowd was crazy packed and gosh we were stuck in a damn human tsunami but it was worth it to see what I felt one of the most beautiful rituals in the world. As people release the countless of lanterns laced with their earnest wishes, the lights float up and gradually become what seemed likes small fireflies in the darkened sky. I climbed the Borobudur later the next day, and even went on a crazy gondola ride across the raging sea at Timang Beach. Leap of faith much? YES. I was half - thinking, if I died here, it was my fate to do so. Food, was amazing and what more can I say about my travel companions but not the best I've had. Fucking love these girls to bits. Oh yeah, and that epic jeep ride up Mt. Merapi? Priceless.

Then it was Ramadhan, and Syawal. We had the celebration in Kedah this year, and...well, I'd be honest with you and say I never really got along well with them Kedah peeps, and I have my reasons I guess. It was a kinda a non-event thing for me. Mostly me and my siblings hung out at malls or cafes ( as if we didn't hang out at enuff back home ) or I took one of my other cousins who was into photography as me and we kinda just went for a photowalk. I had tons of the pretty street of Alor Star which I never posted anywhere cuz the timing was never right. So, yeah.

Then, somehow on a whim after talking with my sis (on how break-ups doesn't have to mean you can't contact each other again, or hate the other person and we parted ways with mutual feelings anyway so yeah why don't you contact him again sis since you always felt that it was a shit thing that I had to lose a friend over this) I will admit, even after all the shit, K is someone I truly love and cherish. Partly because back in high school and early uni-days I was really depressed and was prone to self-harm and he helped me a lot in overcoming my depression (tho he might not know this in detail) so I just couldn't hate him or not have him in my life. It's just this feeling I have. I don't know about him though. He might have different thoughts, but it's okay. Another part is maybe just because we shared a lot of ourselves after all these years, that it became ingrained in both of us. I read a saying once, how once you truly have someone's heart, they never really go away.

Anyway I called him up and we're friends again. It started off awkwardly but it's a bit better now. So if you see a Malay guy in my social feed sometimes, he's probably one of them.

Sometime in the middle here before I went to Korea I sprained my left ankle playing at JumpStreet.

Moving forward, I think it was around May or June, me and Aleea made plans to go to Korea. Bam, September came and we flew and WE HAD A BLAST. My first time staying at a guesthouse (it was cool as heck)  and found out I'm not that scared of dogs after all. There was this cute doggie named Jelly at the guesthouse and he was the gentlest animal ever and well, I think I will be okay around dogs. Korea was lit, and we went literally everywhere we could. Had major delish foods,  saw amazing architecture, hung out like a local, wore a damn hanbok around and acted as if we were princesses and fueled our kpop love HAHAHAHA. Still think there are tons of places we couldn't cover and have to come back sometime in he future.

All that travelling kinda went by in a flash.

Rewind back to earlier in the year, I was part of the support team at work, which was when I had to deal with clients and system issues directly and when I came back from Korea they told me I'll be transferred to the project team. Well, to be honest my working schedule was pretty much....bad. When there are issues, we have to come to work a bit earlier than usual, perhaps around 8 or 830, but then we go back super late almost everyday - around 10PM on average - which by that time were are hungry and always ate late. Of course when I'm stress I eat sweets and desserts so that did not help. Basically to protect my mental health I sort of forgot about my physical health. So after around a year plus...I ended up with a few health problems i.e. hypertension, sleep apnea, acid reflux just to name a few.

Which leads to tomorrow where I am going for pre-operation for a sleeve gastrectomy on my stomach - which hopefully will help to reduce a ton of my health complications. Mom is helping me to pay my way through as the surgery and hospital bills won't be cheap. So I guess I won't be travelling much this year. Perhaps one place will be okay. I hope to move forward in life too, maybe get a new job which allows me to take care of myself better, or maybe other things. I do have to start planning things though. There is no harm in planning. If God allows it, then my plans will go through InsyaAllah.

AM SUPER GRATEFUL FOR MY FAMILY AND MY FRIENDS WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE WITH ME, LIFTING ME UP WHEN I'M DOWN, AND PARTIED WITH ME WHEN I'M UP

I MUCHO LOVE ALL OF YOU <3

To wrap it up, 2017 was the year where I focused on my mental health but physically I'm pretty screwed up. I have no regrets though. This year, I need to be more balanced. Yep, the theme will have to be BALANCE.

I will try to start blogging more this year. XD

Mucho love,

Roro X