Stwess

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I'm feeling so down lately I just don't know what to do with things. Like, on the outside I'm trying so hard to act like nothing's wrong cuz when if people ask I actually do not know, I repeat, DO NOT know what's going on with me.

It's all inside there. Swirling and whirling and groaning. God knows. Like I'm possessed or something.

I need hugs. And for hugs I miss Nabs or Chiwa or Fatin, but they are all SO SO SO far away right now, and just not possible.

Well to be honest I am in a pre-PMS phase. My menstrual cycle is just so weird cuz I get so moody before and after the whole period thing and usually it's hardly this bad, but I guess this time it's super bad. I am quite stressed and my period is like 2 days late- according to the period calendar thing and my mood has been a hurricane. Work has been hectic and I keep not getting work done and god knows my schedule is just so SCREWED up which is why I am mostly stressed cuz I like to be ON schedule.

I kinda try to not use the word 'stress' all the time but I am. Seriously I am.

It's almost 2PM at home and I am not starting any work done. I am planning to play Spirited Away on my home laptop while I do my shit but I don't have VLC or codec yet on my home laptop cuz I formatted it the other day so I don't have anything on it. So I'm not starting my work yet, cuz Spirited Away is not playing yet. HA. Alasan. But really I have to finish this task by today cuz tomorrow I'm supposed to start on another shit so yeah. And that other shit is pretty urgent and super duper important apparently so I need to finish THIS shit first. Then I still have to do code review for the newbies's task and help the other newbie with her task which I could not get to it yet.

Danny said not to spoon fed them but heck I'm learning while I'm teaching them too so there's that.
There's this new kid who doesn't know Java at all and god knows how he managed to get into this role and I am the one having a headache cuz I dunno how to handle this. LIKE DOOD I KENOT LIKE TEACH THIS GUY A WHOLE JAVA COURSE I DONT EVEN HAVE TIME WHAT IS A DESCRIPTOR CLASS FUCK

Anyway I got all irritated and kinda went strict on him cuz fuck this is work, not some uni life so he better get his shit together and learn fast if he doesn't want to get kicked out - well I said something along the lines 'if you don't buck up and do your shit fast it's gonna get bad for you and I got nothing to lose if you're not around anyway' so I dunno if he got that or not so yeah. He's been pestering this other guy to help him with his task cuz obviously I scared him off but fuck I don't care anymore. Okay, why am I so irritated with him? He asked for this job cuz he did some html editing before - like SUPER MINOR okay and he thought that was PROGRAMMING

DOOD

FAK

I was like ' YOU DARE TO LOOK DOWN ON PROGRAMMING?'

I had a hard time looking for jobs after Masters and my Java ain't that good either, I mean, just basic while people in the industry are expecting miracles just because you have a Masters but God no, we don't know that much, Masters and PhD peeps are more towards research rather than actual hands on stuff so...I had asked one of the Professors last time,d o they know what is SAP and they were like, WHAT and they don't seem to know the ERP stuff...I'm like OOOOOKAY. Anyway back to my story, I was searching for jobs and I went to this one place and because I got Masters they seem to be having high expectations on me and when I couldn't really cater to their expectations, I was told by one of the technical leads there that I should quit programming.

My world kinda broke down at the time.

I didn't think I would do other things than programming, ya know.

So yeah. I guess I kinda got irritated that these kinda people get it easy while me...I have to be like this.

Haih.

Anyway that's that. My VLC is working already so I'mma start work.

Yes I guess I'm gonna be bitch this week or something. 

When You Suck In Your Native Tongue

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So, after two years of not doing a presentation in front of a bunch of people, I was told to do one today. Furthermore the module that I am told to present is like, the hardest one - which in my opinion was not exactly the hardest if compared to them seniors modules, but they said mine is the heftiest. Well from the technical side, yes, but in terms of explaining in layman terms to the business side...maybe not so much?

Maybe I'm still half-cooked in this whole thing. Or still raw. Well I do tend to simplify things a lot when I can teehee

Anyway, I was full of nerves and jitters since last night when Danny texted me to say the presentation will be tomorrow- as in, today - and for some reason my heart just wouldn't stop beating hard. Like, super hard. To the extent that it gets hard to breathe and my neck just tenses up like hell cuz the sessions for them seniors were like so hardcore. The explained a little bit and the IT team and business users starts shooting questions here and there. We had 8 modules and mine was the last - which kinda came as a blessing cuz everyone was super tired already. So my turn came, and GOD GOD GOD seriously I am just SO embarrassed but I kinda need to get all this out of my chest.

I squeaked.

HAHAHA. FARK. Not exactly squeaked la, but I kinda spoke in this singalong tone which feels so ELEMENTARY presentation AND FARK I dunno the more I think about it I'm like shit shit shit. Okay anyway I explained a bit and they started shooting questions. Thankfully Danny and CS stepped up to answer a lot of them so I'm kinda like super relieved at that. In the end I think I spoke 3 sentences at most? Yeah. I suck.

Anywayyy at the end I was supposed to ask one of the business users, Fitri, on the requirements and god knows I decided to speak ask in Malay. Cuz they were all mostly Malays and I had this little goal in me to speak in Malay as much as I can so I confidently went to him and asked something, in Malay.

Something, because I myself don't understand what I asked. It went something like

Me : Um Fitri, (insert some gibberish in Malay)
Fitri : Uhhh, kejap, aku cube nak fahamkan
Me : (talks more gibberish that I myself don't understand in Malay)
Fitri : Kejap kejap bagi aku cuba fahamkan
Me : (gives up and asks the question in English)
Fitri : Oh, yeah (answers cuz he can actually understand my inquiry)
Me : Oh okay (tries to run as far away as possible cuz FUCK ME I JUST KEEP EMBARASSING MYSELF)

So


That's it.

I dunno man. Even Jeanette speaks better Malay than me. Even Jimmy knows more peribahasa than me. All ze non-malays speaks super good Malay and okay, I can understand Malay pretty well but I think I will officially label myself as a someone who sucks in speaking Malay. I have no right to chastise my Chinese friends who dunno how to speak Chinese cuz I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT myself when it comes to speaking in Malay.

I hate myself.

Just speak in English at work Asma. Just speak English man. Don't embarrass yourself.
Kau nak cakap Malay tunggang langgang ngan kengkawan takpe la, tapi professionally just speak in English.

GOD.

almond milk but no waffles

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I was a MPH and randomly browsing books and my eyes fell on a small black book with the title 'milk and honey' by Rupi Kaur. My eyes went automatically to the top 10 bestsellers of the week and saw it was a number 3. Must be pretty good, I thought. I flipped through a few pages but I was struck on this one

Be careful of each word that rolls of your tongue when speaking

Then I flipped to the beginning and spent a good time reading till the middle of the book. Some parts were pretty graphic, and a good portion was on how adult women may be broken by their environment when they were a child which led to their current state at the moment - whatever it may be. This part was part one of the book, the next part was on love - being in love and being loved. She elaborated on the selfless love of a parent, adoring partners, her own love for her partner, and self love. I loved that even though it seemed like a 'feminist' kinda book, it helps to remind us women of our own strength and how all the things that we have gone through makes us who we are and we are not at fault. Nothing of us is a fault, and we need to embrace and love ourselves in order to be strong and fight against all the negativity in our life. I didn't get to the to the third part though.  

I almost bought this book, had I not have enough cash on me at that moment.

I was feeling kinda miffed with my family cuz they wanted me to ditch Puteh - the cat I saved but he has a bowel problem whereby he kinda doesn't realize it when he poops or pees - which leds to everyday we need to clean the porch cuz that's where we put the food and where he sleeps at night or during the day so we get butt stamps or poop or cat pee....and they don't like it. OK. I get it. It's smelly and dirty. But is it a legit cause to ditch the cat somewhere? I thought about it a lot, because I too feel guilty that I brought this upon the house - BUT - I can't leave him just anywhere cuz if I left him at a market or shop area he's bound to get kicked or even killed cuz he has a smelly butt. There are no cat sanctuaries in Malaysia that is like King's Cat House on the Hills.I even thought about taking him for animal acupuncture but I am not confident that it will rip a hole in my wallet, like a black hole, literally. I feel so bad for him but I am so mad at my family for even suggesting that we ditch him somewhere random. Because just the thought of him being hated everywhere else makes me so sad. 

:( 

Going through a major change at work and still deciding whether it's good or not. Anyhoo I need to update my resume soon. Some days I feel like 'You can do this Asma'!' but other this I'm like 'OMG You are so insignificant and useless here Roro'. On the latter days I feel like burying myself away. 

Btw, I've been into these Korean twins Q2HAN on Youtube. They graduated from FIDM (Fashion Institude of Design and Merchandising) LA, California and their English is da bomb. I kinda just have a thing for Asians speaking English as a second language (or first). Since I tend to speak in English at most times and my Malay is kinda....untrustworthy (as most my foreign friends would say) I just tend to like these people who speak English so effortlessly *flips hair* Anyhoo on top of that they like to talk about fashion a lot, go cafe hopping and have a thing for aesthetic interiors , and of course they have great fashion sense- which all that I love to do but rarely have a chance to do so I enjoy their vlogs a lot. I used to do it a lot but then most of my friends started to get married and have kids and like I mentioned before - I tend to shy away from asking them out a lot cuz they have their husbands and kids to be responsible for and I totally understand that. We still meet sometimes but there's kinda a limit and their husbands always join...so it's kinda like...not the usual anymore. It's all good though, I understand.  

On the topic of marriage, I myself am not bothered but people around me are kinda bothered, I guess. Hmm, I can't really say. I went through too much shit with relationships that I kinda just don't want one right now. So to be honest, I've been avoiding it. I will heal and be a better person for my partner and by that I want him to be my partner in life and hereafter too. 

Time seems to be going by slowly these days though. 

I was planning out our trip in September and kinda am confused on what or where to go on each day. Usually I plan for the family and they're like either just follow my plans or they just randomly do what they want based on the itinerary I created - by that I mean they pick and choose what they wanna do on what day. During the trip to Jogja...we all seem to have our own places preferred to go and managed to fit in. Now...hm, maybe we to meet up and plan properly this time. Usually when we meet up with the intention to plan the trip always ends up as forgetting to plan the trip >_<

Girls will be girls. 

Hey, you. 

Yes you. 

Despite all this, you're here, you've made it. If there are more obstacles in the future and things may seem hard, remember that it will all pass. This world is just temporary after all. Just, do your best.

Forget Cinderella's Glass Shoes

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I'm a low key Adidas sneakerhead. I like sneakers, and I like Adidas the most. Might have something to do with my dad's influence and I used to ban Nike back then and sorta can't bring myself to like it. Plus Nike and Adidas is kinda like big rivals, and I'm a loyal chick man. Adidas all the way. I do indulge in Puma or Converse once in a while though. I had an interest in the classic Vans but never really went as far as buying them.

Anyway last weekend I was trying to get my maksu to try my NMD's and she introduced me to this guy's instagram page - supposedly is a far away family member (can't remember which side) but he's a sneakerhead, lives in UK, super rich so he gets access to these exclusive kicks pretty easily. So I was lying in bed and scrolling through his feed and came across the Primeknit 'Datamosh' NMD R1. Price MYR2100. None my size though.

Okay, I was totally interested in this pair when they first announced but then it was one of those collaborative pair and totally exclusive and I dunno maybe it's the nerd in me when I read that the inspiration was datamoshing — a process of manipulating the data of media files in order to achieve visual or auditory effects when the files are decoded - I was totally sold. I WANTED IT.

BUT

I am a realistic person. I admit I get a thrill in acquiring things that are 'exclusives' or 'limited editions'. No it's not for showing off. I get this satisfaction. When I tell people this, usually they just scoff but whatever man - I like what I like and you can shove your opinions somewhere else.

Nway, I gave up on it soon after because:

1) It's a collab pair
2) It's exclusive as heck
3) Only released at certain stores over the world
4) With limited quantities
5) Resell price will reach 4 digits in MYR fo sho.

It's beautiful guise

But why of all of Adidas's models, I'm hooked on the NMD's? Why not Ultra Boosts, SuperStar, Campus, Stan Smiths or Tubulars?

Well, Ultra Boosts look very sporty. Mom has one and I wore them from time to time- comfy as heck, felt like walking on clouds but I can't really feel appropriately dressed sometimes. I do like Campus, Super Stars and Stan Smiths but they will be around for a while so there's no urgency to get them when they're out. I had a Stan Smith and a Super Star when they first introduced it and lasted me for all of 5 years until it broke. Since I used it pretty much everyday. Tubulars - I do dig - just haven't had that bamm-gotta-have-it moment like I do when I see NMDs. Oh oh, how about Yeezys? Same reasons as to why I gave up on the 'Datamosh' NMDs. Design wise - Yeezys are pretty dope and I am probably on the hype bandwagon but so far the only color ways I like is the BREDs and the new Beluga 2.0. The other's are pretty much meh color ways. Another thing is the amount of fakes out there. Bleargh. I'd still join the online raffles though hehe. I mean if I can resell them for double the price, why not? NMDs are like, just nice. Match with many things. TEEHEE.

SNEAKERS LAST LONG PEOPLE. FOR YEARS. My sandals all after a month rosak dy and need to buy one. Okla bohong, maybe a few months. But the amount of moolahs I spend for 5 years for sandals is more than I use for sneaks. SO
Imagine all the sneaks I can buy.
But I still need sandals. For girly days and work days and days I wanna feel tall.

HEHE.

Nway I will not shop this month!
It's my mantra everytime I see things I want.

(I do have this blouse I want from Poplook tho XD)

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. 

Of Eid and Taking Care of a Sick Cat

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Eid was pretty much a non-event for me this year. I couldn't feel excited at all, for some reason. Maybe because my Ramadhan wasn't utilized properly, hence I didn't feel deserving of the celebration that is Eid. Maybe cuz I was just looking forward to a relaxing holiday but then the first few days of Eid is always hectic. Maybe I've grown out of it. Maybe I'm just sick of it. For once I didn't even crave the food - which is a surprise even for me. All I keep wanting is coffee.

Gawd I sure sound like a jaded old lady.

Anyway we had Eid back in Kedah this year - me and bro took a flight while the others drove. It was just a one-hour flight and I just slept the whole time. Was there for around 4 days, but I can't even remember much, but it feels more like I didn't want to remember. I dunno, I don't wanna say anything but if I had a Pensieve , I'd let you guys see. Hehe. I remembered my last day though. Le parents, Aisyah and Hamzah went back home already and it was just me and bro staying one extra day in Kedah. I had absolutely nothing to do. In the end, I borrowed a car from one of my aunties and rode out to town with Suhail for some street photography. We took separate lanes and I stumbled onto this dope cafe nestled between old shophouses and had a yogurt smoothie to myself. I felt, ahh, this is the life - I love exploring and trying new things, but at the same time chilling in a cafe and people watching is something I enjoy doing when I'm alone too. Conversations over drinks are always fun and unpredictable. We went to Menara Alor Star too - there wasn't much to see though. I asked the concierge guy if there was anything new up there and he smilingly said no. Oh wells, it costs just RM9 anyway, so we just went up for the heck of it. Suhail seemed like he enjoyed himself a bit so it was all good. Kid loves photography a lot and his dad gives him good gear, so it's all good. Me however, still can't decide if I should go for a more compact camera or upgrade my Canon body.

Fujifilm XT-10 seemed good but then I saw my instacrush using Leica D'Lux 109 and was so tempted to try it out. Tbh upgrading my Canon body hurts my wallet a lot more because I need new lens too. All of them hurts my wallet tons, but the Canon part takes the cake.

Nway reached home on the 3rd Syawal and boy am I happy to be back. Picked up my cat from the boarding house and no bad news, thankfully. I burdened the doc a bit I think, but he was all okay about it and I am just so grateful. Tama (the cat) seems to not like me much since then tho. The doc probably was able to take care of his needs properly - like pooping and peeing. I still can't make him pee much and he totally hates me cleaning his butt now even. Both my hands are full of scratches and bites. Much as I'm feeling sad looking at my own hands and all, I feel sadder thinking about him and his inability to control his intestines and bladder. He must hate it too having to stay in the cage for a long time. It's just until the skin on his tail where it's cut off all grows back tho. I plan to let him be a free cat once the skin grows back.

I found him at work - in the morning he was just sitting by the water pool looking at the water wistfully and looking miserable. There were a few cats around the buildings and they know where to get food and water and I assumed this new one will adapt soon. I couldn't really get a container anywhere and fill up some water for him so I thought if by the time I go back he's still there, I'll bring him back. At the time I didn't know his condition.  Evening came and I went back and saw him resting by the building where I work, all weak. I suspect he didn't even had a drink. I nudged him to follow me and he walked with up all the way up to the parking. Getting him in the car was another issue but once he's calmed down, we went home. Only after inspecting him I got to know his he's got a broken tail (which was filled with maggots - EW - meaning the tail died) and a huge holey wound under his butt so off to the doc he goes the next day. Doc says tail needs to be cut off and I'm like okay, go on. All in all he costed me tons but I'm just glad he's feeling better.

Get well soon big boy

Cleaning up part of my room and unboxed an old box full of memories during my adolescence and I'm hit with waves of nostalgia. BAM!

I always bobbing between utmost depression and normal at the randomest times and it's is NOT fun. September feels so much longer - I have another trip lined up and wondering if I can fit another one by end of the year. Passport expires by 2021 so I can try to fill it up a lil' bit before having to renew it. Only three country stamps for this year, still loads more space for others! How I wish I have loads more holidays.

Two Nights in Osaka

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We landed at KIX (Kansai International Airport) around 6.30 AM and straight away found the prayer room for us to pray. Prayer room at KIX was lit - omg I am put to shame with the shabby room they provided us with at KLIA. KIX was way smaller than KLIA but their facilities was at a different level. A higher level, mind you. Just a few moments of stepping onto Nippon land and I am already awed out. As usual, navigation was on me. I had this app called Halal Gourmet Japan and turns out KIX had a few halal food joints. We went to the one that looks street foodish - my choice of course and had a classic udon and various selection of tempura on the side.

 

After having our breakfast, we headed out to find our way to the hotel. Made a short stop at the Tourist Info Center to buy our 2-day Osaka Amazing Pass for 3000yen. There is a train station right next to KIX which interconnects to everything and everywhere. You know those self-operating ticket machines you always see in anime and dramas? Yeah don't even try to operate any of those if you don't know any Japanese. Thankfully enough there is a ticket office right next to these machines and they have an English counter for us gaijins. Bought 3 tickets to Osaka Station (as our hotel is a few hundred metres from the station) and we're on our way. Dropped our baggage at the hotel and boom we're on our way.

Morning hustle at Osaka Station

First stop, Umeda Sky Building! I've been stalking this place for a while and so so so wanted to ride on the overhanging escalator between level 49 and 51. First you gotta take the glass escalator up to level 49, then only you will need to show your Osaka Amazing Pass for a free entry to the observatory and take the heart dropping escalator ride to level 51. Truth be told I'm scared of heights but the heart wants what it wants man. My knees went weak as jelly but the experience priceless. 

Next stop was the second largest aquarium in Japan - Osaka Kaiyukan. The entrance fee costs around 2,300 yen - which is around RM90++. The first thing they make you do is to go to the topmost level of the building, in which you will make your way down in spirals around a large tank where the huge fishes like whale sharks, gigantic manta-rays and sharks dwells. This giant tank is on your right as you walk down 7 levels down and on your left will be various other smaller tanks with tons of different species of water creatures. One tank as just full of squids and wow I never thought that squids can look so pretty. They had sea otters, penguins and white seals omg the white seals are the cutest ever and I loved their jelly fish area it was soooo extraterrestrial. There were a few of those tunnels you have to go through with fish swimming around you and it was just so wonderful. I felt like I was in a different world. When I think of it, I stopped by almost each tank and was like 'woah' and 'WOAH' and 'woaahhhh' XD I'm scared of water creatures to be honest but I love aquariums. It's like my love-hate relationship with beef ( like how I eat meat if it doesn't look like meat i.e, burgers ).

It was just amazing. Outside the aquarium there were small street shows and there was a large shopping area (Tempozan Market Place) next to eat and a HUGE ferris wheel (Tempozan Ferris Wheel) which nobody wanted to take with him so we ended up not taking it. AND THERE WAS A SUPER NICE SOFT ICECREAM SHOP RIGHT OUTSIDE 

It was 6 degrees out but who cares, we want icecream

Had dindins at a nearby Indian place and headed back home. For a first day and right after landing - it was such a tiring day. We went to two major places but these two were quite far from each other and there was a lot of walking involved. Of course there were a lot of things to see and explore around these areas. A stone throw's away from the Umeda Sky Building is the Grand Front Osaka - an area for people watching, dining and shopping. There's a Pokemon Center too inside Osaka Station, but I didn't get to go. Osaka Station itself is full of wonders, tbh. I want to make another trip in the future and to explore Osaka Station is one of it. Seriously peeps. Seriously. There was a rooftop observatory that I didn't dare to go up cuz you need to take another hanging escalator. I had enough of weak knees in one day from Umeda Sky Building thank you. 

2nd day in Osaka was rainy but we plodged on. First thing on the hit list - Osaka Castle. We planned for some sakura viewing here but seeing the rain, we didn't hope much. Got on the train, stopped by Lawson on the way for some konbini breakfast (onigiri, coffee, bananas, and bought some umbrellas and raincoat) and walked and walked until we reached the castle. It was a superior looking structure looming over a hill over us, and surrounding it was a river - sorta. We first had to go through this huge gate-door like thing which looks old as heck into a garden. A garden of cherry blossom and peach blossoms. It would've been much much prettier with the flowers blooming but it was raining and the flowers looked a bit gloomy. Anyway I was more in awe over the castle more than anything. Leading to the castle from the pathway is a huge old bridge made up of wood as big as me - imagine this lone bridge holding on for all these centuries and I'm like woah - an from there we had to climb a hill up to the castle. Trust me, in the rain the temperature was dropping low, my feet were frozen over but if he emperor wants to see you, you gotta make the journey yaw.

After an audience with the Emperor, we moved to explore the center of hustle bustle of Osaka - Dotonbori. Took the train there, headed to this place called Ganko for some authentic Japanese lunchies and took to the streets. Where mom found her fabric heaven and I sat at the Burger King next door eating fries (fried in vege oil and not mixed with any meat) and some strawberry sundae- cuz mom and her fabric stuff will take an hour atleast. Dotonbori area is that bomb peeps. It's a mixture of old and new - you can find street brands shops and japanese market stuff in this area and just next to it is Shinsaibashi, a 2 kilometers long street shopping mall. Right before it is the Glico man, and Pablo cafe XD 

Later that night we did explore a bit of Osaka Station, right before they close. I just had to get a new pair of sneaks because my Puma platforms were freezing up and squeezing my foot and hurt like hell. Decided to splurge at Adidas and that was when I fell in love with the NMD. We hung around drinking coffee at the overhanging artificial garden between Osaka Station and LUCCA shopping mall, watching the night life. It was just wonderful end to the two nights in Osaka. 

Kyoto for the next two nights - in another post. 

There's really a lot more things to see and do in Osaka but we just didn't have enough time. I'm planning another trip in the future to see all the other things I couldn't. There were a lot of shrines and stuff too and of course food huntingggggg. 

XD

My other post on expenses while in Japan 

Breaking Down The Yens

Trauma of Cats

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I think after Owen's death, I was too heartbroken. I've gotten a bit scared about having another cat of my own. Nowadays it's just the neighborhood cats coming in and out, making the place their own. They are a healing, but it's just not the same. I still miss him from time to time. 

Silly maybe, but it's just how it is.

First day of puasa went okay. Food cooked was a tad bland and the jelly on my trifle was on the tough side. Still yummy though. I think I slept through the day a lot, day dreamt and thought about stuffs. Wondering about the past, wondering about the future. I had this thought that - people who had gone through a lot more hardships tend to be kinder than others -  as I was thinking about the people around me. I should learn from them a thing or two on being kind. Forgiving others and not get mad so easily. There's always this different vibe in the air during Ramadhan and probably mostly because the devils are being chained.

Finally got rid of the broken Mac but feeling kinda weird not having a laptop around. Went shopping a bit with JJ yday and he mentioned it's much cheaper to buy parts of desktop and assemble it - customize your own desktop - simply put, and it won't cost me as much, he said. I have been considering a desktop ya know, just haven't had the time to actually do proper research on it. Getting a laptop was the no brainer decision. Just pick one that is within my budget and with the kind of specs I felt sufficient, and it's settled. Buying desktop parts sounds cool too, plus I'm not the kind that brings her laptop around. Needs wise- I'll mostly use it for editing photos. God I miss editing. Taking pics with the DSLR feels pointless sometimes when I can't even process them properly. Now I'm mostly using VSCO butttttt it doesn't beat Lightroom. Yes, VSCO on the phone. Thank god iPhone 7+ takes good pics but still.

I miss you Lightroom. 

Mengade kan. Hahahahhaha.

I dunno, it's been a shitty week at work to be honest, and we're all a lot of fed up with some things. I'm trying not to think too much into it but work takes up 5 outta 7 days of the week.

Bottomline is;

Do good, be kind, love more and open up your heart. 

Be grateful. 

I wish September would come soon. Don't you? 

Because I have a trip lined up. Hehe. 

x

Only Assholes Feel Sorry For Themselves

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First week back to work after the trip was EFFING slow. I'm not saying there wasn't much work, it's just my brain gears haven't settled into it yet. Second week in, kinda better, but yesterday was Monday and you know how Monday goes. I kinda spent the weekend thoughtlessly, mostly on my bed or sofa reading the new books I got. I still have around 20 books I haven't read from last year's BBW and still in 10% into Midnight Lady (by Cassandra Clare) but dood how can I go to Kino and NOT buy anything? So I kept my purchase minimum. Bought two books. Wabi-Sabi and Me Before You. Well, I watched Me Before You on the flight to Osaka and was...not as moved as people claim to be when they watched the movie. The hopeless romantic inside me felt like, WTF MAN. So I bought the book. Wabi-Sabi was written by a Spanish author apparently and translated into English - which I only realised after I searched the book up on Goodreads and explained the simple English in there. Maybe not too simple, but I felt like the author was trying to mimic Murakami but failing. It's just my view as someone who enjoys Murakami occasionally, and seeing someone else trying to do in such a plain way kinda irks me. So they threw this unsuspecting character, Daniel, to Kyoto after his girlfriend dumps him, where he goes on to find a nameless bar and ended up meeting a weird old man and his niece, who is a suicidal modern geiko, hailing from Cali, and ended up as a fling. Ok the plot itself was fine, but it was as if he didn't make proper research on Kyoto whatsoever, and just flung in some facts on some shrines over there just to make it as if this character went all over Japan.

AND THERE WASN'T MUCH ON WABI-SABI EITHER.

Eh wait. Wabi-sabi is the beauty of imperfection.

Okay I need to rethink this.

Anyway, had my appraisal at work yesterday. Not so much of an appraisal, more like a chit-chat with my tech lead since the appraisal period is already over and I saw my grade already. I met expectation, and well, I expected that I met expectations only too. Ha. Okay anyway, chit-chat. He just wanted to know how I'm doing, and what I'm struggling at currently and why I wanted training ( cuz I wrote in my comments that I wanted to go to training if possible ) and the future. I wondered if I had spoken out too much. I dunno, the span of one hour was punctuated often by silence and me being me I have not much to say. Even so, I wondered if I've said too much of what I shouldn't. Time went by quite fast here, I told him, that its already a year plus but I felt like I haven't learned much. He said, it's okay I'm doing fine, and even he didn't realise it but it's already 5 years plus for him too.

There are a few other things but I don't think I should write them down, I guess.

I have a lot of worries now that I think of it.

8.45AM. I guess I should be getting ready to work already.

Noys came over and brought baby Nawfal and mom and dad look really delighted. It kinda made me think, maybe they'd like it if I get married soon and they have grandchildren. Hmmmm. Ntahlah. After my lil' fiasco I felt like taking time off but seeing mom and dad in a different kind of happy was weird. In a good way of course.

We'll see. Go with the flow Roro. Go with the flow.

Breaking Down The Yens

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Since I came back from Japan, a few friends have been asking me about expenses, but I realised I didn't really keep track of my expenses. I brought 40,000 yen and limited myself to 10,000 yen per day for transportation, entry fees and food expenses. Activated my credit card too, which helped a lot during emergency situations i.e. when your mom spent like cray at a fabric store and forgot her own credit card. I mean we have enough cash but the credit card were for unplanned shopping, mostly.

Flight tics are dependent on what airline and the time of travel. Mom paid for the accommodation because she wanted to and I let her do all the bookings herself cuz from my experience as a child of an architect, they are a bit particular about living spaces - even while on vacation. So I let her manage it.

To break it down, but note that this is not particularly precise either -

Accommodation

We took 1 room for 3 adults and as Japan can be quite strict on their regulations, we played safe and mentioned there will be 3 adults and needed an extra bed. Service was good, beds were comfy, no problems with the bathroom and amenities were provided as per usual. Room may be a bit small but then again we spent the whole day outside and came back only to sleep. So who needs too much hotel luxuries? I highly recommend one stays nearer to a subway or train station as it is so so so much easier to get around. TAXIS ARE DAMN EXPENSIVE. A mere 5km ride costs almost 3000yen. Dayum. Oh yeah, made this booking through Booking.com and Agoda.com as there was a promotion price and free cancellation. IMO, Agoda have the cheaper prices most times.  Very helpful help desk too as mom accidentally cancelled the reservation and they helped us to reinstate it - a bit of an issue cuz the booking for Kyoto was a no-cancellation one. Opted for no hotel breakfast as we have to find halal food anyway.

Osaka
Hotel Hearton Nishiumeda - 200 metres from Osaka Train Station
Cost for 2 nights : 43,875 Yen

Kyoto
Hotel New Hankyu Kyoto - right in front of Kyoto Train Station
Cost for 2 nights : RM1547.00

Yeah I know what you're thinking - PRICEY. But there are always other options and there is also Airbnb - which in my opinion had some good choices but as I said, my mom was in charge of this one since it's on her. No complaints on my part tho hehe.

Entry fees and transportation

Osaka
- Osaka Amazing Pass - 3000 Yen for 2 days - free access to all subways and busses and city trams and free entry to most tourist attractions (which covers almost everywhere and everything you wanna see in two days) like Osaka Castle, Umeda Sky Building, Tempozan Ferris Wheel. Seriously saved a lot from this one, esp with the entry fees.
- Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan - 2,300Yen
-Universal Studios Osaka - 7000yen - didn't go though

Bought an umbrella for 500Yen cuz it was raining like heck on the second day

Kyoto
-Kyoto City Pass - 2000Yen -  free access to all subways and busses and city trams. To be honest, you ride a lot more busses in Kyoto cuz the subways are not all interconnected as in Osaka and you may need to buy tickets again when you wanna get on other lines. So, I'd recommend this if your route of sightseeing is mostly accessible by busses.
-JR Line to go to Fushimi Inari (no subway there) - 300 Yen return
-Entry fee to Kiyomizu Dera temple - 400Yen

There's a LOT of walking involved though (wear comfy comfy comfy shoes, like, oh I dunno, your NMD? HAHA) It's not like you get off the train station/bus stop and the place you wanna go is right in front. NOPE. A lot of walking involved, but there's a lot to see too so you kinda don't realise a bit the distance. Google Maps helped tons. Do you know that they even have step by step instructions how to get to places? They will detail out which train to take, or where to change stops, or what bus to take, and what path to take to take exactly to where you wanna go. They have this notification that informs you if the place you're heading is closed or open by your eta. SUPER helpful.

Download Google Translate too. You can take pictures using Google Translate and highlight the words you wanna translate - and they will help. Was super helpful in helping me determine if this and that food is edible or not, as in, no pork/lard/alcohol.

Another things is to rent a mobile wifi. I rented mine at http://visondata.com.my. You gotta make a reservation online first and they will call you to confirm your reservation and pickup time/place. Mind was at KLIA. Costed around RM160 for 5 days. Unlimited data at RM20/day and the RM60 is for insurance just in case anything happens to the device. You can opt to not take the insurance, but I took it anyway just in case. Better safe than sorry.

Food

1. Konbini food
Onigiri - 150yen - 200yen (bought like 3 of these in one day)
500 ml Meiji milk - 172yen (super gooood)
Coffee/Matcha Latte - 200-300yen
Banana - 3 pieces for 265yen

Matcha icecream - 300yen/cone
If you saw my IG you'd know I eat one per day so, yeah

Lunch and Dindins
1st Day - Za- Udon - udon and tempura - 800yen
             - SagaMartha Indian/Nepalese food - Potato Naan + Spicy Vege Curry - 1300yen
2nd Day - Ganko - Nanban Tori Set - 900yen
3rd Day - Ayam-Ya - Spicy Miso Ramen + Egg + Karaage - 1150yen
4th Day - Yoshiya - Tori Bento Set - 1400yen
              - Ayam-Ya - Mazemen + Egg - 860yen

Kinda kept it at one big meal per day and have konbini food and the stuff we brought from home, like Maggi, biscuits and breakfast bars. Lunch and Dinner we went to halal/muslim friendly food joints so it's always a bit pricey. How do I know they are halal? There's this app I use, Halal Gourmet Japan. Superrrrr helpful cuz they even help find one in your area range.

Anyway if you're a non-muslim, I think the food is much much cheaper, esp with all the street foods. There's the Pablo Cafe in Dotonbori which is solo hyped but I think it's truly nice la, tho unfortunately it's probably non-halal so i didn't go try so yeah, try to adjust your budget accordingly. In my opinion it's always good to bring extra. Anyway my budget of 10,000 yen per day ends up with some of extra at the end of the day.

If anything, Japan is not a cheap country for travel esp with parents, so bear in mind not to skimp too much if you can afford it. I spent a bit I guess, but I enjoyed it immensely. I mean might as well go all out now that I'm here, if you get what I mean.

Shopping is up to you. I kinda just swiped my credit card for most shopping but I didn't shop much. I bought a pair of NMD though. TEEHEE. It's kinda addicting though, once you wear one, you kinda keep wanting more. I have dropped my small hobby of sneaker collecting since after uni days as I don't wear them as much but I've started again - sorta. I still followed trends even though I didn't buy anything, but now....itchy hands. I want to travel more though. Need to save money still. I started using my 50mm and enjoying photography again. I dunno. Lots of wants, temptations and stuff.

Prioritise guys.

I kinda want to go again to Osaka Kyoto because there's till tons to do and see there. Maybe next year. I didn't even get to see the Ninja show at Kyoto and go geisha hunting.

Sooner or Later

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I bought new shoes! It's the PUMA Exotic Basketball Platform. My feet looks like I'll have shiny reptile skin all over but it's okay cuz it's dopeee. In the beginning I wanted to buy the Adidas EQT but the design I wanted was not in Malaysia and the ones available looked took sporty-ish. Though it's trendy these days to wear sneaks (which I have been doing since I was 10 years old pffft *flipstudung*) My first pair that I remembered was a Wimbledon sneaks. White with pink detailing. Wore it till it wore out and my next pair were was a pair or Reeboks, then a Puma. Then my Adidas obsession started - and being loyal to Adidas I never bought a pair of Nikes cuz it's blasphemy. Nowadays the Adidas NMD is in but I feel like my feet will look weird if I wore it. Tempted to buy a pair just for the heck of it but I'm gonna see if I can get something rare in Japan. Well rare to be found here in Malaysia but normal in Japan. Either that or a pair of EQT with the design I wanted.

I don't pride myself as an avid collector of things. I just love what I love.

I need new clothes though, but being a chunky girl it's a bit hard. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS TRIP TO JAPAN AND JOGJA. GAWD. But I've decided to wear my Boosts in Yogja. There's gonna be trips into water and stuff. Loads of walking. Terrain wise, I wouldn't wear my beloved new Puma to Jogja.

Life's okay. I saw Aleea yesterday, we had lunch, watched a movie and caught up. It's always good to see her, my soul sister. Without Noys though, cuz Noys' is in Taiping for a wedding. No offence or anything but I'm the type when my friends have married I find it hard to reach out to them for anything. Out of respect for their new responsibilities, I don't want to make it a burden for them to keep up with our friendship - we understand that about each other I guess. At the age of 27,  I still don't feel like settling down, or maybe cuz I haven't met the one yet.  I think at this point I am too wary of men, as I ended up being disappointed by them too much. I thought I the guys I met who were dedicated to their wives were such admirable men, but in the end I heard stories about them which caused me to be even more wary. How even a guy who claims to be madly in love with girl A would temporarily forgets all about it when girl B strips off her clothing and asks him to fuck him and he gladly obliges. What happens to girl A though? She doesn't know. As a third party I can only hate the guy, and feels sad for girl A. But they are married now, and happy. Who am I to feel anything or say anything when I'm just an observer in everyone's lives? It does led me to become more wary of men and their motives. If anything, I feel scared to trust.

Maybe that's why I'm okay being single like this. My heart feels like it's still closed off to anyone, and I'm okay with it. I'm healing, I tell myself. I'm not ready to jump into something again.

Work has been meh lately. I'm starting to feel tired again, but for the different reasons. Anyway my plan is to keep up for 2 years at least. Learn as much as I can while I'm at it.

I should sleep soon. It's almost 1.  

Birds On A Powerline

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I just finished reading 'Holding Up The Universe' by Jennifer Niven. I won't say it's a typical young-adult fiction because I don't really know what is a typical young-adult fiction. Would you say the kinda books written by John Green are typical young-adult fiction? This is the second book I've read by Jennifer Niven, the first one was 'All The Bright Places'. Why am I reading young-adult when I'm hardly one- it made me think of myself when I was in their age, when I was trying so hard to find myself, when I was being stupid and selfish - and wishing even if my environment wasn't like theirs, where mental health in teenagers are taken very seriously - I wished I had these books instead of the sappy chick-lit that I read on a regular basis back then. I read investigation and those dorm high school stories too, like Malory Towers and The Famous Five. Most of the books I read growing up were written by Enid Blyton. I was an avid reader of her short stories series - and maybe why I have a more colourful imagination as compared to other people my age back then. I read Harry Potter religiously too, and played Pokemon. Read a ton of Inuyasha and Ranma 1/2 fan fiction on top of all the anime I watched. If I could describe myself well as a teenager, I'd say I am depressed, self-abusive, and insecure. I had my happy days too though. Peer pressure played a big part that led me there, as well as high expectations from adults. Too bad I didn't see the friendships that I made back then as something precious. I started finding myself when I was in uni I think, and forged proper relationships that is part of the real me. I had more self-confidence and loved myself more than I loved to to be loved by people..

It's 9.30PM on a Saturday, I am sleepy because I have been on night support since 2AM and was not able to sleep much after that but even now, I can't really sleep. Maybe if I close off the lights and actually rested my head, I'd fall asleep.

Work has been okay. I'm on the support team and while it is a lot more pressuring, I am handling it well - so far. Some colleagues have become more than just friends but some stay as acquaintances. That's how it rolls anyway. I'm grateful, and always am for the life that God has given me. Granted in terms of life partner, I haven't been that successful but I am bountiful in other aspects of life. I still have a lot to learn in the area of keeping my temper. I pray that my brothers will get their heads on straight for once and my parents can be more at ease. I feel bad but I am sick and tired of their antics too.

On a side note, finally had a slept over Jie and Zera's with Mel that one night and they brought us to Bukit Ampang. I've always wanted to go there to see the KL skyline and it was gorgeous. We sat there drinking and sharing life stories while evergreen music blasts out from the stalls. KL looked like an artificial milky way and was so small. The stars were twinkling and I felt happy. We went back to their pad, talked nonsense for a while and woke up late. Brunch at our fav Nasi Padang place and later got desserts from Sabrina's Bakery. Crashed at Mel's place for a while to eat our desserts and I thought about how much I wanted to live away from home like them. Not that I wanted to run away from the drama at home, but I just wanted some me time for awhile. Again, maybe I'm being selfish and I just wanted to indulge in nightly activities - but I really wondered how would it be if I had to live away from home. Will it be better? I haven't really been a good daughter, to be honest and I'm disappointed in myself sometimes that I feel like it's much better for them if I am not around.

I know I know I'm depressing. I actually wanted to write about how the book moved me, but all this shit ends up. Haha.

Some Days I Feel Like Scum

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I think I might have put someone down a bit today and tbh he deserved it but I can't help but feel a teeny pang of guilt inside like 'oh no I've hurt someone's feelings'. I'm just cleaning out the bugs in my life. He's one of it. Usually it happens silently but this one wants to voice out and stuff cuz he just doesn't get how his existence in my life is toxic.

Okla okla it's my ex. I wiped him out then what to do. I got over him already so what else is there? I don't feel like we can even be friends. I've met men who treat the girls they love well and it makes me want to appreciate myself more. Why should I settle for less? I should love myself a lot more than that.

Keeping it short tonight.

Love yourself more peeps.

Gnite. 

On Partnership

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I started to have all these thoughts about wanting to be left alone, about not wanting to do anything, about shutting myself out from the world, again. Thing is, this doesn't happen quite often, usually when I'm really devastated or depressed about something. So, did something happen to you Asma'?

Sort of.

I can't really explain what happened well, but to make the long story short - Few days ago K called me out because he said he needed help on this newborn kitten that was left in front of his shop and I was like, okay I'll come over and see how I can help. It was all normal until he said some things that got me into mixed feelings. I didn't trust myself well to respond immediately so I couldn't reciprocate, and in the end I didn't say anything until the time came for me to go. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. I never really liked to leave things unfinished when it comes to things to be said between two people - esp when we've gone back for so long. Yes, we hurt each other a lot and (I) finally decided to end it but somewhere deep inside we still held each other dearly, is what I'd like to believe.

But I need to sort myself first. Like I said before, I'm in the transition of things. I haven't decided what my next destination will be and I'm gonna think about it properly before making a decision.

But I get what's he's hinting at.

Do I want a relationship right now?

No. Not really. I feel hollow and lonely at times, but it's okay. Right now I just want to focus on healing myself and figuring things out after what plans I had before in mind fell. Yeah my friends all have babies and some are just getting married and when I see em I can't help feeling happy for them but a tad sad for myself but I'm not one to feel sorry for myself. My time haven't come yet, and I don't know when. I just felt like this year is not the year. I'm not going to rush into things just because I feel too much. I'm going to take it slow and just, heal. If anything I've learnt during my 27 years of life, don't try to measure up your life with other people around you. We are not in a race, this life. We will all have an ending - as in, death. We will ALL reach the finish line. The prize is not in this life. It is in the afterlife. Despite knowing all these, I still am not doing things that I should diligently. I dunno, maybe when I tell people this they'd think that I'm evading things. They'd say I'm ignorant, or I'm wasting my life. I dunno. Maybe I am. Why not? It's not like I'm making it inconvenient or made other people suffer. It's just me myself and I. Tbh, once you established the difference between your needs and your wants and how it affects your life - you can reorganise and probably be more content.

Like I said to dad about my wanting a Civic. Sure, I've been going on and on about Civic and I'm not buying other cars because I don't feel like. But hello, it's not like I don't know that I can't afford it right now. I can, but I'll have to live scarcely for a long while and probably suffer a bit so why would I do that when my Viva is good enough for my needs right now. Don't be greedy for things that are far away from your reach. You might fall while trying to extend your arm too much.

If this life is a track, I'm taking a break and walking at my own pace. I'd watch people who zoom by and I'll wave at them and smile. Smile and wave, smile and wave. That's what I'm feeling like. This mostly applies to relationships that I have with people right now. Career wise, I'm at that stage too, aren't I? I'm learning still, and pacing myself as I go. Funnily enough, I don't have high expectations-just that I'm doing my best if at one point I feel that I'm not appreciated, I'll just one up and go.

As I'm learning to appreciate myself more, and to not allow people who makes me feel unappreciated stay in life. That said, in terms of finding a life partner, I'd like to be in a relationship where we strive and complement each other well, supporting each other's life decision and most importantly I want to be with someone who is not afraid, or egoistic, about expressing themselves - because I am like that, and by doing that we each know what the other is thinking and will try to work things out. Not afraid to show me how much they love me, because I am like that too.  I love, and I want to be loved as much.

Wait so, these are what is making you feel down?

A bit I guess. It's either I sort things out, or I ignore them. When I can't, I feel like shutting myself out because my temperament won't be that stable.

I've been hurt too much, too broken, too betrayed.

Adi was like 'What (blood) type are you, A or B?' and I said I'm a B. Then he said 'Then stick to your nature then. To neglect things. You break rules and tend not to care much about things.'. I laughed because it's partly true. So I'll try one of it. I prefer to sort things out first, but if I can't then I'll suffer for a while trying to ignore it until I can.

My three-day holiday is over and work is starting again tomorrow. I'm praying my issues will get solved somehow and not much BIG issues will come. Being in the support team reminds me of my time at NGA over and over again - which I hated. LOL. See how lah. I'm itching for new projects all of a sudden. I even had this thought of continuing PhD but gawd it's not that easy baby.

Never Far Away

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I really like those stories when the main characters separate in the middle, and somehow meet again. The moment they met again, and the moment their eyes met in recognition...oh man it hits me hard. I will cry (because the main will always cry and I'm so weak when the main character cries, it makes me cry too boohoo) and because those moments are always so so so so touching. Those moments showed that even if hope was lost, it can be found again, and again. As long as you have faith. You suffered for a while, but in then end there is a happy ending.

Wai.

My heart is feeling all fuwa fuwa right now.

It's not even my own story, but I'm feeling happy. I'm not sure if I can apply any expectations to my life story. Right now it's like in the middle, a transition in between losing hope and finding hope again. I have lost hope, but I haven't exactly found it again. For a while, I don't want to find it yet. I'm okay with being on pause like this for a while. I did say previously that I want to be selfish for a while, and do what makes me happy. I know for a fact that most of my life I've lived like that - doing things that make me happy. A little conversation with a friend earlier this weekend about making plans for the future and the worries we have made me realise I didn't really have a solid plan. He was talking about plan A and plan B - and I was like, what was my plan A? Or maybe I am at plan B already? I didn't have much to say to him about that regarding my own situation. I'm 27 but I don't feel like it. Partly no pressure from my family in regards to me building my own family, and I did just recently started working again after my short bout of uncertainness that led me to follow my dreams to do my Masters. Am I not fortunate already? I had a small dream, a small milestone, which is to continue and finish my Masters and I did it. Whilst finishing my Masters I learnt how hard it is to make a living and how I should be grateful enough to go through with my dreams, my wants with all the support that I could ask for. I remember many drives back home from classes at night, I was thinking that I will work hard for my next job, and be focused. I remember that I often declared that I will be a workaholic - and somehow along the way, it happened. I remembered promising myself to stay through at least a few years and endure. I like my current job, though I am unsure whether it's the people that made me like it or the job itself. I have always liked programming and being able to do just that was good enough for me. I am still lacking a lot though, and moving away and trying to claim as someone experienced doesn't seem proper right now.

Bottomline is, I should be grateful a lot. To have a house to live under, to have clothes to wear and to not go hungry. I should be grateful. To be honest, I have nothing to complain, except maybe I want more freedom on my social life. It's not like I don't know how to manage myself and I have taken a liking to the night. Small things, like driving in the night, or out dinner with some friends - it's fun. I wanted more of that. I like the way the lights twinkle and shine in the night and when I walk back home I can see the moon and the stars. I like it. Hearing songs in the darkness that is my car, I like it.

Maybe I am straying a bit, loving life too much when I should live for what comes after death.

It's only the truth that life is temporary and all that I can bring to the after life are my deeds. Good deeds, bad deeds. It is them that will speak for me- or save me.

These days I'm missing Owen a lot. The daily meowing at 5 am to serve him his breakfast. To see him strut into my room like it's his and jump on my bed to sleep on it as if it was his. To hug him. I miss his orange self. I loved and got more attached to Owen the most of all the cats I had. I kept thinking about getting another kitten, but I just don't feel like there is one that can take his place. I didn't feel like taking care of another cat for fear that I couldn't love it as much that I loved him.

Weird isn't it. Over a cat. But Owen wasn't just a cat to me. He heals me, like a warm marshmallow.
I'll meet you in heaven Owen, hopefully.

Maybe it's because that hole in my heart has started to ache again.

Higher Than Stars

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To start off, I started writing a blog again because I felt like my English was getting pretty rusty. I used to read a lot, but nowadays I hardly do, and I hardly use proper English in my daily conversations either. Sometimes I can't even string words to make my mails make sense, it was that bad.

I was feeling the Monday blues really badly today. Usually at 9AM I'll be bustling out of the house to my car but today I was just sitting on the sofa looking at Brownie who was sleeping at my feet and wishing I was her. She's so content sleeping on mom's expensive sofa and not giving a fuck. I like it, not giving a fuck, and maybe that's why I like cats. They DON'T give a fuck but when they do, you know it's precious. Okay maybe I'm being bias towards cats because I like cats, but it's not like I can keep a dog around with me despite how much I find them adorable. Anyway I still managed to reach work around 10AM somehow and started doing this and that.

Had a good heart to heart sorta talk tonight with a good friend of mine on his current situation - mostly romantically. He felt like he wanted to be alone. Surprisingly I read back my blog post yesterday and how I was feeling the same thing. Just tired of all the shit and wanting to be comfy by myself, not giving a fuck. Thing is, my friend is a nice person, not the type to abandon someone else for the sake of his own sanity.

You'll break one day, and it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

I told him I want him to be happy. I didn't want to see him destroying himself for the sake of other's who can't be grateful to have him. You know, relationships are all good, but it's important to find a good balance between being totally sacrificial just because you are supposed to be in love with that person. Plus, once you start questioning your own feelings towards the other person, you're already in trouble. Funny enough, quite a few of my friends have told me this same thing in the last few days. 'I don't know anymore, what I'm feeling towards him/her and I don't know what to do to keep this going.' or 'I'm just going with the flow'. What saddens me the most is that when they told me this, they had a sad face on. I hated it. I wanted to hug them and tell them it'll workout, just so that they'll cheer up. Of course I want my friends to be happy with whoever they re with, because I know how sad it is to feel unhappy with the one you are currently with. Working it out is always an option but it needs cooperation and the willingness to understand and accept each other. Try to think again what made you first step into this relationship. Why it should be ended, or if in the long run you'd see them with you still. Why are you having these thoughts too, jot them down. Discuss.

I'm staying clear away from relationships or anything of the likes with men at the moment. Right now I do have a crush on someone but I think it's more towards admiration, rather than a crush.

I rather have the new Honda Civic. HEHE. 

Home

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The word 'home' is so ambiguous.

Sometimes I think it's the place where I belong, sometimes I feel it's the person that makes me feel happiest the most. You know how in songs, they'd say something along bringing someone home with and I often wonder the meaning of those words. Literally,  it means they'd bring you home - to do whatever for the night, by tomorrow you'd be strangers again. Other circumstances would be similar along the lines that I would be thinking. But what is 'home' to one, really. I wonder if I have to figure it out, cuz it seems to change.

Nowadays home feels like if I had my own place, where I am content in my own being, doing what I would be doing. I rarely see anyone else beside me, mostly I'll be alone, on the sofa - sipping from a mug and just being comfy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my relationship with friends or family is bad or something at the moment, it's right now a big part of me just wants to be selfish. Just wants to happy for the sake of myself. Just want to love myself the way I am. I am sick of this unconscious notion where you need other people to be happy. If you want to look pretty, if you want to wear something nice, it's because you want to and you feel good doing it, not because you want to impress anyone. I'm wearing face masks and drinking herbal tea because I want to have good skin and stomach - not because I want to be pretty and slim like other people. I'd eat, because it's good. I'd spend time with the people I want - because they are dear to me. If I want to do something, I'd do it, regardless what you'd think of me doing it. I'll be dorky, cuz I'm a big dork. I'm an awkward penguin, deal with that too.

I know I'm being like this over what happened last year - and starting this new year I think I am starting to come to terms to it and moving on. I often wonder why I can move on this fast, but it's because I didn't really need him as much as I did before. I wanted to be with him as much as I thought he did, but in the end that wasn't the case. Breaking up was okay because I didn't want the relationship anymore. Not the way it was at the end - broken trust and shattered dreams. Once I established that, it was easier to let go. Easier to forgive, but not forget. I'm not sure if forgiving was the thing I was doing but I know my heart felt emptied out and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Needing someone to complete you was a recipe for disaster - and I learned that the hard way. I'll admit, I still think of the possible future at times and it still breaks my heart and sometimes I even miss him, but I'll try to keep myself in check.

And if anything I've learnt all this while, there is no such thing as too late. This life that we are living so hard for, it's temporary. It'll last for a while, I give you that, but it's not going to last forever. The least you could do is to keep improving, to keep fighting, to keep surviving.

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On another note, my Sunday have been rather unproductive - AND TOMORROW IS MONDAY. Werk werk werk. I still have to take Elite-chan for service. Maybe I can send her off tomorrow for service and some repairs and borrow mom's car again. Wee. Work wise, it's been okay. I still have a lot to learn but....just but. I'm really grateful for my teammates tho because without them I probably wouldn't have lasted this long, being unskilled and lost as I am. I'll still stay, because I still have lots to learn. It's scary, yes, but somehow I think I can get through it. Positive vibes much? You know, there's not much harm in caring too much or helping too much, as long as you are not taken for granted and don't expect things in return. It's when you do that the water gets murky. I can't really say but you should be sensitive enough to know when people start making use of you for their own benefit. 

Expensive Boyfriends

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The new Honda Civic.
Hello sexy. HELLO SEXY BEAST.

I'm sorry but not so sorry to my friends and colleagues but I think I've been gushing about it almost every time I meet people or see one on the road. It was love at first sight. I just fell in love with everything that is the Honda Civic. How smooth it is on the road, the aerodynamics of the design, the taillights, especially the taillights omg. I dunno man, I just can't get enough of it. However the sexiest one is the Civic in Red. Drools. It's like I'm having a high maintenance boyfriend who I have to take care of but he gives me happiness just looking at him. OF COURSE I know with my current salary I can't afford this new boyfriend, but hey one can dream. That said I think Honda really upped their game with the new Civic and Jazz design cuz I totally fell in love with them. More to Civic, and recently I managed to view the new Jazz up close and I'd say its pretty tempting. I didn't fall in love as I fell for Civic but realistically Jazz is more attainable.

*swoon*

I think from high school I've always like the Civic Type-R, the sports car, but when I knew they cost a bomb I kinda just let it be at the back of my mind and you know, like, admiring you fav Japanese actor, like Yamapi. You know you will never be able to even come close to seeing it with your own eyes and just accepted the fact. This, is different though. The only other cars that has made me swoon was the BMW Z4 and Alfa Romeo Mito. One is totally unattainable at 800k at least and the other one is just not imported into Malaysia and even if they do import Mito, it'll be triple the actual price cuz Malaysia is a dick about car import duties. Well I understand their reasons for having it but it still sucks when I know Mito costs the same as my Elite if I bought it in Europe. HMPH.

I've been thinking about getting a new car for a while mostly because I've been using Elite-chan for almost 7 years now and she's getting kinda old and tired. She doesn't run as smooth as before and even though there's hardly much problems when I go for servicing, she's old. OLD. Well, partly I'm to blame cuz I haven't been maintaining her well, but 7 years is a long time for a mini car like her. Time for retirement. *cough* She went a long way already hm hm.

Yeah okay I'll admit I've been on this shopping 'therapy' for a while since before my birthday, and even though I can somehow detect why I can't really think of an actual solution. Giving myself presents make me happy. I'm not a total shopaholic like my sis but I have my sessions. Sucks, cuz I've wanted to save for a camera or a far away trip. What's wrong with my Canon? Nothing. Just a bit bulky nowadays since I want to travel light. Been eyeing the fujifilm x-10 but heck it's expensive too. According to Danny almost all Fujifilm cameras have built-in film post processing, but I still want this specific one. DONT ASK WHY. I dunno. Fujifilm camera's have this vintage look to them, and I've always loved the effects from films. It gives off a dreamy, ethereal feel to the photos, if I must say. I want to get back into photography. I remembered that I first got into photography was because of nendoroids, but I grew to love taking pictures of people around me. Candid ones, proper ones. I guess I sorta like it when people like the pictures of them that I took. The last actual job I took was Pajin's convo and FNODS's engagement - and after that it was just random pictures. I also started using iPhone which camera is AWESOME too hence the hiatus. I try to take hipster isn pics on my insta tho. HA.

Maybe I've always been wanting a lot of things but I held myself back a lot last year due to you-know-what and now I don't have anything holding on to me, I felt a bit free, in that sense.

Did I tell you I randomly bought a puzzle too? Initially I wanted to buy Gundams but I wasn't able to go to the Gunpla Exhibition - so I sought out something to build. Maybe next month.

But I DID give Aman a BB Gundam for his birthday haha. It was RX-93, my fav. I haven't been able to get my hands on the scaled version but I felt like Aman would like the BB version, and the whole process of building it. We met for lunch on my birthday and he gave me blocks of letter that spell my name haha, and it was so cute okay. We don't really talk on a daily basis but our relationship somehow went a bit deeper than just friends. He's like a brother to me, though now he's much more matured and dependable. In fact I always thought he was more mature for someone his age - always took care of his 'sisters' well. I realised long time ago that relationships doesn't always have to mean you see and talk to these people everyday. Bonds form and you know, there are people who stay. Yes, some go, but those that stay, cherish them. I don't think I'm good at doing that but I'll try to be better.

It's 1 AM and I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) and I still am not sleeping yet. It's a bit hard for me to fall asleep lately tbh. To say I'm stressed, not really. Maybe a bit nervous. Maybe a bit scared that I can't really see the future that I want. Rather, I'm still questioning it. Right now I'm just going with the flow, but one should have their own goal and follow their own path rather than everyone's.

Gosh I don't even know what I have to support on this weekend. BUT DANNY IS BRINGING NASI PADANG YEAYYYY AND WE HAVE TEH BOTOL IN THE OFFICE YEAYYYYY

Yeah I've become an Indonesian food addict. I've always liked it but then having an influx of Indonesian friends made me worse haha. DIET WHA

Yeah I know I'm getting phatter.

Ummmmm

Yes I am going to do something about that.