When You Love Someone But It Goes To Waste

.
Trust me if I say that 70% of my stress doesn't really come from work, but from home.

I am just so tired today, mentally and physically. One word, COMMUNICATION. Consideration comes but then if you don't really communicate and make all the assumptions on your own thinking you are doing good for the rest of us, but when it is apparently not so? You go on defensive mode and feel like people are not appreciating you and what you are trying to do.

This is not going to work.

You know, I envy the most people who are strong and brave enough to travel on their own. I want to do that. I don't want to keep on leaning on other people, always needing to have another person, jsut in case.

*sigh* I'll try to sleep. Except I'm so angry too now. 

Did Not Hear You

"Have you ever seen a cat die of blood poisoning?"
"No." I answered.
"At the beginning its paws and tail get hard as a rock. At the end its heart stops. It takes a long time."
I sighed. "But I hate to let it die."
"We know how you feel," one of them replied. "But it's been too hard on you."

There was nothing sentimental in their words-they could have been telling me there wasn't enough snow, so forget about skiing this winter. I gave up and drank my coffee.

----

"Well, it doesn't make sense to me."
"That's the best way to handle it. Admit that you can't understand it and leave it at that."

----

J studied his fingertips for a minute. "I've been around for forty-five," he said, "and all I know is this. We can learn from anything if we can put in the effort. Right down to the most everyday commonplace thing. I read somewhere that how we shave in the morning has its own philosophy, too.  Otherwise we wouldn't survive."

----

Wind/Pinball - Haruki Murakami

I almost finished reading this Murakami, but these few phrases caught me and I just felt like I had to jot it down. My thoughts on the first one is that everyone has baggages, burdens that they carry on with them in their life. Sometimes you just gotta let some go when you can, as it's been tiring you out too much to carry and there is no good for you to carry it. The second one was similar to this- if it's not going to matter in the next 5 years, no need to try to understand it in the next 5 minutes. The third one is something I've been struggling with in relation to the second one. There are things that matter in the next 5 years, things that I can understand okay but there are also things that I need to struggle to learn- and I am still struggling. However, it's better to make an effort, as effort nearly always pays. It's okay if you take time, as long as you make the effort.

Because.

These days I feel like I'm standing still in a middle of a current and time is just passing. People are walking everywhere, as if they know their destination and the way there, surely, timely. Then there is me, in the middle of it all, standing still. I don't know if this is depression I am feeling, but lately I feel that living is hard. I started thinking that if I'm gone, it'll be okay. Those weird thoughts keep coming at random intervals when I let my mind roam. I don't like living so thoughtlessly like this, but I still can't figure out what will ease this restlessness in me. I refuse to think what happened to me the last few months was what caused this. I refuse to believe that a betrayal will kill me so much inside. I have nothing to lose, unlike the other party. I hate it, and I still just want it all to end. Inside, I believe it has ended, but then there's is that teeny part of me that still thinks of the possibilities. It's stupid I tell you, just stupid.

On social media.
Few days ago I had saved this video on baby trafficking in Malaysia that I wanted to watch but haven't gotten to do so. Al Jazeera released a video of their journalists busting on the illegal baby selling business here in Malaysia. It was just sick to watch and it makes me question the things humans do for money. This trail of illegal business runs up until the police and the government officers. 'This is Malaysia. Anything can be done as long as you pay the money *laughs*" - this was a statement by one of the doctors operating a private clinic and selling babies through his clinic. "We do this on a regular basis, it' has been like this for the past 30 years, since my father's time." - another statement by a nurse in another private clinic. God, you people are sick. The video summarises that these babies were sold under intention of 'helping' them find a home but none of these people care to investigate the background and reason of the adopters for adopting these babies. They emphasise more on the process and money. So these babies can end up being sold to pesos, syndicates to be beggars or sex worker or worse off being sold off overseas for a large sum of money. It's so sickening that this is happening in the society and so annoying that I as a member of this society cannot do much.

It is the same as case with our Palestinian and Syrian muslim brothers and sisters. I do keep up to date with what is happening, but it breaks my heart that I am so helpless most of the time. I do what I can, but it is so little, so short. People forget so easily. The social media helps, but the social media also distracts. Yet another paradox.

On work.
It's been draining.

10.50PM

.
It's almost 11PM but I'm not feeling sleepy, nor tired. Today has been a not-so-productive day I guess. Spent almost the whole day just trying to get my local database working, importing the database and running and verifying the scripts. (but at least I get a local db that is synced with the current one used in the system, sorta) Truth be told I'm not feeling much for the go-live or anything. I sorta enjoyed having loads to do at the time, and I was happy having loads on hand to take my mind off things that were happening at the time - so now things have slowed down and I can focus on myself. God arranges your life in His own way I guess, and things just click into place. My heart was in chaos but my mind was on turbo mode with all the work, so it helped.

I remembered an excerpt from Wind/Pinball-where the character sees himself as a bridge to everyone he meets. 'I was just a bridge along their way of life and I am just there to help them cross a stage of life, and after that I'll be forgotten'. It echoed deep in me somehow. Sometimes I do feel that way, where people find my presence needed in their life, but after a little time, they forget, because they went on with their life. Then it got me thinking, if I kept my mindset that way, of course I'll be like that. Always just a bridge, always just helping rather than walking step by step with them along the way to the end. Hence I'm trying, I guess. I never really considered myself  social person, nor do I have a wide memory span, but I'll try. One of the reasons is perhaps I've been hurt too much that I keep things to myself, but it's time to open and reach to other people.

I hated myself, the old me.

I remembered when I first started photography, my friend Adib told me that if I wanted to be a good photographer I can't be shy, I can't keep to the back, else I won't get to capture the moments I wanted. It was true, so I started to put myself out there a lot more, out of my comfort zone and did what I loved. Nowadays, I don't mind retreating to my shell once in a while, and just loving the me time. I stopped caring what people think of me, in the negative way and just felt like I should always focus on the good side of things. Yes, I am human too and I tend to get a lot of negative feelings sometimes, but it's manageable. I tell myself, it will end, and it WILL end. Nothing is absolute, nothing is forever.  

Wind

.
Maybe I'm a bit depressed these last few days. Felt down, felt worthless, just hating myself a lot. I admit, I've been throwing myself to work a lot. Work felt like what high school was. An escape. I like the people I meet there, the time I spent there, the things I do.  'Do you enjoy your job?' I can't say. There's isn't anything infinitely perfect about your career. There's always ups and downs. There are scary parts, there are triumphant parts. I seem to be rooted for quite some time at Bangi, so I'm feeling a lot anxious most times. Dealing directly with the client is intimidating. They hold power onto me, sorta.

Can't really explain all these to mom and dad. Mom won't understand because she has this misconception about every other work except hers. She complains how I work weekends too much or work late too much, and I just can't even mention the word 'office' and she'll be set off. To be honest, she often throws herself into helping her students and there are times she needs to be outstation for days - isn't that just the same? If I say this I'll just be seen as rude I guess. Dad, I dunno whether he understands or what but he seems neutral. He had always been neutral about EVERYTHING. At times it tiring. I wish he tells me what he really thinks. I'm not a kid. I can handle serious stuff. Yet all he does is pick on the smallest things with me, and sometimes it's just favouritism I guess. I read that the first kid is always the one picked on between all the siblings. All the expectations and examples are put on the first kid's shoulder. Bleargh. The shitty part in all this is that I can process the facts and sorta, understand? Like, when they do things, I just, ah, there is reasoning behind it all. I'm sticking up for them in my mind. In a sense it helps to keep my tongue civil. Sometimes I just hate it and let go. Screws my head around but heck. I'm a human too, I keep telling myself.

The weekend went like the wind. We had a production mock run on the new system and I was involved. The shift was from 11PM to 6AM. Twas a total eye-opener for me tbh. Like there's so many things that I dunno, and so much more to learn. I am grateful to my two seniors who were there on the shift with me. I was just there to get a feel of what the real thing would be. I didn't do much. I was technically useless. Most of the work was done by Danny and CS, bless their souls. So much respect man.

I bought a Ghibli puzzle, and 7 new books - only one opened and almost done reading over the weekend. It's a new Murakami publication. Sorta new I think. It was the first two novels he wrote, when he first decide to become a writer. The title is Wind/Pinball, and it's more like a two novellas compiled into a single book. I liked Wind. It was kinda deep, into the whole relationships between humans - explained. I've only half read Pinball, and the starting seemed a little boring. Murakami books are always unexpected. Sometimes you can process it, sometimes you just can't. I like his style of writing though. He goes into details in a way that I'd like to. When I was in 5th grade at YIS, they taught us how to write. You need to go onto details to make the reader feels as if they were in that situation. For example, you are in a graveyard, describe everything. How the dirt feels like under your feet, what sounds you may hear, what do the trees or clouds looks like and how you felt inside. Everything. Make the reader felt like they were there next to you. I remembered more things from the short year I had at YIS than the other years at primary school. I remember snippets from high school, just the later years. That one time I got bullied, those few times I had crushes but never went anywhere, and my first love.

Hah.

I washed the whole bathroom with Clorox and my throat feels itchy as heck now. I'm inhaling ammonia fumes once a week. Is it brain damaging? Gotta google on that.

The Mac decided to bust on me, and I already gave away my Asus to charity, so I'm kinda laptopless for a few days. Decided I couldn't stand it so I gauged out the swollen battery and touchpad from the Mac, plugged the power cable in and voila, it still works. I just need a mouse to use it, like 24/7. You know when you have to use your own moolahs for everything, the heart is heavier HAHA. I am torn between a new laptop and a new camera, but truth be told, you can't edit pictures without a laptop, so Imma give this touchpad-less Mac a shot. I went laptop surveying but nothing makes me feel like, THIS IS IT. Other than the 15-inch Macbook Pro but the pricetag is phwoar. I've been aiming for the Fujifilm X-10T for a while now to replace my Canon 1000D - which battery mysteriously disappears after bro uses it pfft, and he refuses to take responsibility for it so whatever. It was a dang good camera okay. Sure it loses out on megapixels but a pro once told me, it's not about the gadget, it's about your skills. HECK YEAH. I'm still keeping it and gonna buy the replacement battery soon. I ain't selling my 50mm. I love portrait and bokeh too much still. The battery itself costs RM200++ okay. I am into the Fujifilm because it has a built-in film processing and the pics look slick as heck.

Why is it Monday already tomorrow?

#np Enrique Eglesias - Bailando