Just Not Happening

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I tried to paint today. Usually I don't touch the canvas unless I really have an inspiration, and today somehow I reached out, and tried to paint. I had a drawing of a little girl, inspired by a picture of Haru, but when I painted it today, something just didn't come out right. I wasn't mean to paint that girl today, I think. It's not what I felt like painting.

So I took to demolishing the canvas and put it in my dustbin.

A state of nothingness, a sense where nothing is going on, that is me right now.

I'm just blanked out. I have no idea what went on today, but I just felt highly disturbed by almost everything and everyone today. I could not process, why do these people do the things they do, why do the say the things they do, and just, why, and what am I doing here right now. I was having a constant headache the whole day, and just couldn't think.

Not that I am looking down on these people, I'm just questioning what is their state of mind. At work, it was mostly on project management. I feel like, not everyone has the sense to do certain things in a way that would make their life easier. I am not saying I do. At that current time, and for that certain task, I felt failed to understand why this person is doing what they are doing and making their lives uncomfortable and going through the long roundabout way to achieve their final goal. I was flipping out because of them and their roundabout way, I have to suffer through an hour of incessant babbling. I highlighted this to mom and her answer was

"Now, you hold your ear like this (holds her left ear with her left hand) while some others hold their ear like this (holds her left ear with her right hands which resulted on having to twist her arm around her head), so not everyone is the same, and you have to deal with it."

I understand of course, people have their own way of doing things.
I'm just pissed because I have to suffer because of their adamant ways to do things their own way yet not achieving the final goal.

Sure, they learn. I learn too. But I don't want to learn the same things so many times, I won't be moving forward much, won't I?

I'm just Miss Pissy Pants today. That's all.

Grumpy Monday

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Man, my last post was in May 2018? It's been a year plus man. I got engaged in 2019.
Just putting it out there.

Anyhoo,

It's been 13 days into MCO- Movement Control Order due to the Covid-19 virus and working from home today felt so tedious somehow. So I woke up early, ironed my clothes as if I am going to work for real, and dressed up and even put my make up on. It helped a little bit I guess. I had an early meeting with the vendor and user. Okay technically 9.30am ain't THAT early if I was actually at work, but it felt fucking early today and I fucking blamed the vendor cuz they were the ones who set up the meeting. Everyone was sorta grumpy I guess.

How is Malaysia in this wake of coronavirus?
I guess we are still united as ever. I'm honestly happy how much help everyone is trying to be, BUT of course there are those rouges, making trouble (STAY AT HOME YOU FUCKERS) and some entitled shitholes tryna make themselves relevant by doing good but making a show out of it (C'MON IKHLAS SKIT BOLE TAK) but all in all Malaysia is okay I guess. The numbers are not going up, but it's not going down. Pretty much stagnant at around 150-200 cases per day. Not saying that it's totally a good thing, but I'm just so grateful for all our frontliners working so hard to keep the numbers at bay. The government is locking down on red alert areas and trying to contain the virus from spreading. Red alert areas are ares with a high surge of virus suddenly. Like the most recent one is the one at the tahfiz school in Hulu Langat, I heard one of the ustazs' went to the tabligh gathering and infected the whole school. Praying that all the kids will recover, soon, and all the people infected will be able to recover too. WHO is making Malaysia one of the countries able to do clinical testing of drugs used to fight the coronavirus and I pray that we will be able to get some breakthrough from this. InsyaAllah.

Tbh I've been quite anxious since the beginning of the lockdown when it started, mostly because I read some nasty articles about conspiracy theories and such, but then I tried to calm myself cuz well even if those theories were true, so what? I stopped reading those stuff and somehow ended up reading a book by Mizi Wahid titled "Call Upon Him"- 21 ways to get closer to Him. In a lot of ways, the book helped to put things into perspective for me. This virus that we are scared of, where did it come from? Nobody knows. But what we as Muslims know, nothing happens without His will, and it is by His well that this virus descended upon earth and immobilised hoomans on this earth. I also read a Hadith from the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. to Aisyah r.a. , if I'm not mistaken

Volume 7, Book 71, Number 630:

Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) that she asked Allah's Apostle about plague, and Allah's Apostle informed her saying, "Plague was a punishment which Allah used to send on whom He wished, but Allah made it a blessing for the believers. None (among the believers) remains patient in a land in which plague has broken out and considers that nothing will befall him except what Allah has ordained for him, but that Allah will grant him a reward similar to that of a martyr."

Yeap. There was a few others, but what I can say is, I felt at ease. I believed that God gave me this time to focus on repairing my relationship with Him. I know that I have not been the best of believers, and I am not proud of that. So I did, I tried and did all I can to work on my relationship with Allah. The most important one is Salah. I did my best to focus in Salah, and prayed that my Salah will be accepted by Him.

InsyaAllah, we'll all be fine.

On another note, even though work was kinda draggy today, I fulfilled my 8 hours and did my best to focus at work today. Tomorrow, God knows. But I think the whole waking up early and ironing my clothes and stuff helped me to get in the mood. I have a ton of things to do, when I think of it, but it's been kinda hard to focus lately. There's the thing about food also, at home, kept munching on stuff and I think I've put on weight. Haih. My lemaks oh my lemaks. Sweet stuff abundant also, and my eczema is flaring up T_T I'M SO FREAKING ITCHY RN.

I also fought with le fiance today. Yeah, what's new. We need time away from each other I think. Been giving each other crap. Tbh I think it's mostly the separation cuz we usually see each other few once in few days, but it's been 2 weeks. We are better at communicating face to face, and texting and calling has its limits. And I'm on PMS today so, it didn't help if I'm being emotional.

*shrugs*

This lockdown also triggers me to want to cook and bake, but I'm torn between finishing things in the house and wanting to bake. That and I should stop having sweet stuffs cuz I'M SO ITCHY. Had like a lot of Kinder Bueno and Aisyah made kek batik, so....very very very sugary stuff. All the bacteria in my body is having a field day and zooming thru my blood vessels happily. Maybe I'll make that tiramisu tomorrow. I do wanna make lauk and stuff, but that day I made Ayam Masak Merah and macam okay okay la, so I dunno what else to make. It's kinda a hit or miss. I modified this Masak Kicap 3 Budak Gemok instead of using chicken, I deep fried tahu and tempe and it was a big hit with the fam. Ayam Masak Merah tak sangat pulak. Ntoh.

It's 10PM. I should sleep.