On Partnership

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I started to have all these thoughts about wanting to be left alone, about not wanting to do anything, about shutting myself out from the world, again. Thing is, this doesn't happen quite often, usually when I'm really devastated or depressed about something. So, did something happen to you Asma'?

Sort of.

I can't really explain what happened well, but to make the long story short - Few days ago K called me out because he said he needed help on this newborn kitten that was left in front of his shop and I was like, okay I'll come over and see how I can help. It was all normal until he said some things that got me into mixed feelings. I didn't trust myself well to respond immediately so I couldn't reciprocate, and in the end I didn't say anything until the time came for me to go. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. I never really liked to leave things unfinished when it comes to things to be said between two people - esp when we've gone back for so long. Yes, we hurt each other a lot and (I) finally decided to end it but somewhere deep inside we still held each other dearly, is what I'd like to believe.

But I need to sort myself first. Like I said before, I'm in the transition of things. I haven't decided what my next destination will be and I'm gonna think about it properly before making a decision.

But I get what's he's hinting at.

Do I want a relationship right now?

No. Not really. I feel hollow and lonely at times, but it's okay. Right now I just want to focus on healing myself and figuring things out after what plans I had before in mind fell. Yeah my friends all have babies and some are just getting married and when I see em I can't help feeling happy for them but a tad sad for myself but I'm not one to feel sorry for myself. My time haven't come yet, and I don't know when. I just felt like this year is not the year. I'm not going to rush into things just because I feel too much. I'm going to take it slow and just, heal. If anything I've learnt during my 27 years of life, don't try to measure up your life with other people around you. We are not in a race, this life. We will all have an ending - as in, death. We will ALL reach the finish line. The prize is not in this life. It is in the afterlife. Despite knowing all these, I still am not doing things that I should diligently. I dunno, maybe when I tell people this they'd think that I'm evading things. They'd say I'm ignorant, or I'm wasting my life. I dunno. Maybe I am. Why not? It's not like I'm making it inconvenient or made other people suffer. It's just me myself and I. Tbh, once you established the difference between your needs and your wants and how it affects your life - you can reorganise and probably be more content.

Like I said to dad about my wanting a Civic. Sure, I've been going on and on about Civic and I'm not buying other cars because I don't feel like. But hello, it's not like I don't know that I can't afford it right now. I can, but I'll have to live scarcely for a long while and probably suffer a bit so why would I do that when my Viva is good enough for my needs right now. Don't be greedy for things that are far away from your reach. You might fall while trying to extend your arm too much.

If this life is a track, I'm taking a break and walking at my own pace. I'd watch people who zoom by and I'll wave at them and smile. Smile and wave, smile and wave. That's what I'm feeling like. This mostly applies to relationships that I have with people right now. Career wise, I'm at that stage too, aren't I? I'm learning still, and pacing myself as I go. Funnily enough, I don't have high expectations-just that I'm doing my best if at one point I feel that I'm not appreciated, I'll just one up and go.

As I'm learning to appreciate myself more, and to not allow people who makes me feel unappreciated stay in life. That said, in terms of finding a life partner, I'd like to be in a relationship where we strive and complement each other well, supporting each other's life decision and most importantly I want to be with someone who is not afraid, or egoistic, about expressing themselves - because I am like that, and by doing that we each know what the other is thinking and will try to work things out. Not afraid to show me how much they love me, because I am like that too.  I love, and I want to be loved as much.

Wait so, these are what is making you feel down?

A bit I guess. It's either I sort things out, or I ignore them. When I can't, I feel like shutting myself out because my temperament won't be that stable.

I've been hurt too much, too broken, too betrayed.

Adi was like 'What (blood) type are you, A or B?' and I said I'm a B. Then he said 'Then stick to your nature then. To neglect things. You break rules and tend not to care much about things.'. I laughed because it's partly true. So I'll try one of it. I prefer to sort things out first, but if I can't then I'll suffer for a while trying to ignore it until I can.

My three-day holiday is over and work is starting again tomorrow. I'm praying my issues will get solved somehow and not much BIG issues will come. Being in the support team reminds me of my time at NGA over and over again - which I hated. LOL. See how lah. I'm itching for new projects all of a sudden. I even had this thought of continuing PhD but gawd it's not that easy baby.

Never Far Away

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I really like those stories when the main characters separate in the middle, and somehow meet again. The moment they met again, and the moment their eyes met in recognition...oh man it hits me hard. I will cry (because the main will always cry and I'm so weak when the main character cries, it makes me cry too boohoo) and because those moments are always so so so so touching. Those moments showed that even if hope was lost, it can be found again, and again. As long as you have faith. You suffered for a while, but in then end there is a happy ending.

Wai.

My heart is feeling all fuwa fuwa right now.

It's not even my own story, but I'm feeling happy. I'm not sure if I can apply any expectations to my life story. Right now it's like in the middle, a transition in between losing hope and finding hope again. I have lost hope, but I haven't exactly found it again. For a while, I don't want to find it yet. I'm okay with being on pause like this for a while. I did say previously that I want to be selfish for a while, and do what makes me happy. I know for a fact that most of my life I've lived like that - doing things that make me happy. A little conversation with a friend earlier this weekend about making plans for the future and the worries we have made me realise I didn't really have a solid plan. He was talking about plan A and plan B - and I was like, what was my plan A? Or maybe I am at plan B already? I didn't have much to say to him about that regarding my own situation. I'm 27 but I don't feel like it. Partly no pressure from my family in regards to me building my own family, and I did just recently started working again after my short bout of uncertainness that led me to follow my dreams to do my Masters. Am I not fortunate already? I had a small dream, a small milestone, which is to continue and finish my Masters and I did it. Whilst finishing my Masters I learnt how hard it is to make a living and how I should be grateful enough to go through with my dreams, my wants with all the support that I could ask for. I remember many drives back home from classes at night, I was thinking that I will work hard for my next job, and be focused. I remember that I often declared that I will be a workaholic - and somehow along the way, it happened. I remembered promising myself to stay through at least a few years and endure. I like my current job, though I am unsure whether it's the people that made me like it or the job itself. I have always liked programming and being able to do just that was good enough for me. I am still lacking a lot though, and moving away and trying to claim as someone experienced doesn't seem proper right now.

Bottomline is, I should be grateful a lot. To have a house to live under, to have clothes to wear and to not go hungry. I should be grateful. To be honest, I have nothing to complain, except maybe I want more freedom on my social life. It's not like I don't know how to manage myself and I have taken a liking to the night. Small things, like driving in the night, or out dinner with some friends - it's fun. I wanted more of that. I like the way the lights twinkle and shine in the night and when I walk back home I can see the moon and the stars. I like it. Hearing songs in the darkness that is my car, I like it.

Maybe I am straying a bit, loving life too much when I should live for what comes after death.

It's only the truth that life is temporary and all that I can bring to the after life are my deeds. Good deeds, bad deeds. It is them that will speak for me- or save me.

These days I'm missing Owen a lot. The daily meowing at 5 am to serve him his breakfast. To see him strut into my room like it's his and jump on my bed to sleep on it as if it was his. To hug him. I miss his orange self. I loved and got more attached to Owen the most of all the cats I had. I kept thinking about getting another kitten, but I just don't feel like there is one that can take his place. I didn't feel like taking care of another cat for fear that I couldn't love it as much that I loved him.

Weird isn't it. Over a cat. But Owen wasn't just a cat to me. He heals me, like a warm marshmallow.
I'll meet you in heaven Owen, hopefully.

Maybe it's because that hole in my heart has started to ache again.

Higher Than Stars

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To start off, I started writing a blog again because I felt like my English was getting pretty rusty. I used to read a lot, but nowadays I hardly do, and I hardly use proper English in my daily conversations either. Sometimes I can't even string words to make my mails make sense, it was that bad.

I was feeling the Monday blues really badly today. Usually at 9AM I'll be bustling out of the house to my car but today I was just sitting on the sofa looking at Brownie who was sleeping at my feet and wishing I was her. She's so content sleeping on mom's expensive sofa and not giving a fuck. I like it, not giving a fuck, and maybe that's why I like cats. They DON'T give a fuck but when they do, you know it's precious. Okay maybe I'm being bias towards cats because I like cats, but it's not like I can keep a dog around with me despite how much I find them adorable. Anyway I still managed to reach work around 10AM somehow and started doing this and that.

Had a good heart to heart sorta talk tonight with a good friend of mine on his current situation - mostly romantically. He felt like he wanted to be alone. Surprisingly I read back my blog post yesterday and how I was feeling the same thing. Just tired of all the shit and wanting to be comfy by myself, not giving a fuck. Thing is, my friend is a nice person, not the type to abandon someone else for the sake of his own sanity.

You'll break one day, and it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

I told him I want him to be happy. I didn't want to see him destroying himself for the sake of other's who can't be grateful to have him. You know, relationships are all good, but it's important to find a good balance between being totally sacrificial just because you are supposed to be in love with that person. Plus, once you start questioning your own feelings towards the other person, you're already in trouble. Funny enough, quite a few of my friends have told me this same thing in the last few days. 'I don't know anymore, what I'm feeling towards him/her and I don't know what to do to keep this going.' or 'I'm just going with the flow'. What saddens me the most is that when they told me this, they had a sad face on. I hated it. I wanted to hug them and tell them it'll workout, just so that they'll cheer up. Of course I want my friends to be happy with whoever they re with, because I know how sad it is to feel unhappy with the one you are currently with. Working it out is always an option but it needs cooperation and the willingness to understand and accept each other. Try to think again what made you first step into this relationship. Why it should be ended, or if in the long run you'd see them with you still. Why are you having these thoughts too, jot them down. Discuss.

I'm staying clear away from relationships or anything of the likes with men at the moment. Right now I do have a crush on someone but I think it's more towards admiration, rather than a crush.

I rather have the new Honda Civic. HEHE. 

Home

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The word 'home' is so ambiguous.

Sometimes I think it's the place where I belong, sometimes I feel it's the person that makes me feel happiest the most. You know how in songs, they'd say something along bringing someone home with and I often wonder the meaning of those words. Literally,  it means they'd bring you home - to do whatever for the night, by tomorrow you'd be strangers again. Other circumstances would be similar along the lines that I would be thinking. But what is 'home' to one, really. I wonder if I have to figure it out, cuz it seems to change.

Nowadays home feels like if I had my own place, where I am content in my own being, doing what I would be doing. I rarely see anyone else beside me, mostly I'll be alone, on the sofa - sipping from a mug and just being comfy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my relationship with friends or family is bad or something at the moment, it's right now a big part of me just wants to be selfish. Just wants to happy for the sake of myself. Just want to love myself the way I am. I am sick of this unconscious notion where you need other people to be happy. If you want to look pretty, if you want to wear something nice, it's because you want to and you feel good doing it, not because you want to impress anyone. I'm wearing face masks and drinking herbal tea because I want to have good skin and stomach - not because I want to be pretty and slim like other people. I'd eat, because it's good. I'd spend time with the people I want - because they are dear to me. If I want to do something, I'd do it, regardless what you'd think of me doing it. I'll be dorky, cuz I'm a big dork. I'm an awkward penguin, deal with that too.

I know I'm being like this over what happened last year - and starting this new year I think I am starting to come to terms to it and moving on. I often wonder why I can move on this fast, but it's because I didn't really need him as much as I did before. I wanted to be with him as much as I thought he did, but in the end that wasn't the case. Breaking up was okay because I didn't want the relationship anymore. Not the way it was at the end - broken trust and shattered dreams. Once I established that, it was easier to let go. Easier to forgive, but not forget. I'm not sure if forgiving was the thing I was doing but I know my heart felt emptied out and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Needing someone to complete you was a recipe for disaster - and I learned that the hard way. I'll admit, I still think of the possible future at times and it still breaks my heart and sometimes I even miss him, but I'll try to keep myself in check.

And if anything I've learnt all this while, there is no such thing as too late. This life that we are living so hard for, it's temporary. It'll last for a while, I give you that, but it's not going to last forever. The least you could do is to keep improving, to keep fighting, to keep surviving.

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On another note, my Sunday have been rather unproductive - AND TOMORROW IS MONDAY. Werk werk werk. I still have to take Elite-chan for service. Maybe I can send her off tomorrow for service and some repairs and borrow mom's car again. Wee. Work wise, it's been okay. I still have a lot to learn but....just but. I'm really grateful for my teammates tho because without them I probably wouldn't have lasted this long, being unskilled and lost as I am. I'll still stay, because I still have lots to learn. It's scary, yes, but somehow I think I can get through it. Positive vibes much? You know, there's not much harm in caring too much or helping too much, as long as you are not taken for granted and don't expect things in return. It's when you do that the water gets murky. I can't really say but you should be sensitive enough to know when people start making use of you for their own benefit. 

Expensive Boyfriends

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The new Honda Civic.
Hello sexy. HELLO SEXY BEAST.

I'm sorry but not so sorry to my friends and colleagues but I think I've been gushing about it almost every time I meet people or see one on the road. It was love at first sight. I just fell in love with everything that is the Honda Civic. How smooth it is on the road, the aerodynamics of the design, the taillights, especially the taillights omg. I dunno man, I just can't get enough of it. However the sexiest one is the Civic in Red. Drools. It's like I'm having a high maintenance boyfriend who I have to take care of but he gives me happiness just looking at him. OF COURSE I know with my current salary I can't afford this new boyfriend, but hey one can dream. That said I think Honda really upped their game with the new Civic and Jazz design cuz I totally fell in love with them. More to Civic, and recently I managed to view the new Jazz up close and I'd say its pretty tempting. I didn't fall in love as I fell for Civic but realistically Jazz is more attainable.

*swoon*

I think from high school I've always like the Civic Type-R, the sports car, but when I knew they cost a bomb I kinda just let it be at the back of my mind and you know, like, admiring you fav Japanese actor, like Yamapi. You know you will never be able to even come close to seeing it with your own eyes and just accepted the fact. This, is different though. The only other cars that has made me swoon was the BMW Z4 and Alfa Romeo Mito. One is totally unattainable at 800k at least and the other one is just not imported into Malaysia and even if they do import Mito, it'll be triple the actual price cuz Malaysia is a dick about car import duties. Well I understand their reasons for having it but it still sucks when I know Mito costs the same as my Elite if I bought it in Europe. HMPH.

I've been thinking about getting a new car for a while mostly because I've been using Elite-chan for almost 7 years now and she's getting kinda old and tired. She doesn't run as smooth as before and even though there's hardly much problems when I go for servicing, she's old. OLD. Well, partly I'm to blame cuz I haven't been maintaining her well, but 7 years is a long time for a mini car like her. Time for retirement. *cough* She went a long way already hm hm.

Yeah okay I'll admit I've been on this shopping 'therapy' for a while since before my birthday, and even though I can somehow detect why I can't really think of an actual solution. Giving myself presents make me happy. I'm not a total shopaholic like my sis but I have my sessions. Sucks, cuz I've wanted to save for a camera or a far away trip. What's wrong with my Canon? Nothing. Just a bit bulky nowadays since I want to travel light. Been eyeing the fujifilm x-10 but heck it's expensive too. According to Danny almost all Fujifilm cameras have built-in film post processing, but I still want this specific one. DONT ASK WHY. I dunno. Fujifilm camera's have this vintage look to them, and I've always loved the effects from films. It gives off a dreamy, ethereal feel to the photos, if I must say. I want to get back into photography. I remembered that I first got into photography was because of nendoroids, but I grew to love taking pictures of people around me. Candid ones, proper ones. I guess I sorta like it when people like the pictures of them that I took. The last actual job I took was Pajin's convo and FNODS's engagement - and after that it was just random pictures. I also started using iPhone which camera is AWESOME too hence the hiatus. I try to take hipster isn pics on my insta tho. HA.

Maybe I've always been wanting a lot of things but I held myself back a lot last year due to you-know-what and now I don't have anything holding on to me, I felt a bit free, in that sense.

Did I tell you I randomly bought a puzzle too? Initially I wanted to buy Gundams but I wasn't able to go to the Gunpla Exhibition - so I sought out something to build. Maybe next month.

But I DID give Aman a BB Gundam for his birthday haha. It was RX-93, my fav. I haven't been able to get my hands on the scaled version but I felt like Aman would like the BB version, and the whole process of building it. We met for lunch on my birthday and he gave me blocks of letter that spell my name haha, and it was so cute okay. We don't really talk on a daily basis but our relationship somehow went a bit deeper than just friends. He's like a brother to me, though now he's much more matured and dependable. In fact I always thought he was more mature for someone his age - always took care of his 'sisters' well. I realised long time ago that relationships doesn't always have to mean you see and talk to these people everyday. Bonds form and you know, there are people who stay. Yes, some go, but those that stay, cherish them. I don't think I'm good at doing that but I'll try to be better.

It's 1 AM and I have to work tomorrow (Saturday) and I still am not sleeping yet. It's a bit hard for me to fall asleep lately tbh. To say I'm stressed, not really. Maybe a bit nervous. Maybe a bit scared that I can't really see the future that I want. Rather, I'm still questioning it. Right now I'm just going with the flow, but one should have their own goal and follow their own path rather than everyone's.

Gosh I don't even know what I have to support on this weekend. BUT DANNY IS BRINGING NASI PADANG YEAYYYY AND WE HAVE TEH BOTOL IN THE OFFICE YEAYYYYY

Yeah I've become an Indonesian food addict. I've always liked it but then having an influx of Indonesian friends made me worse haha. DIET WHA

Yeah I know I'm getting phatter.

Ummmmm

Yes I am going to do something about that.