Reading Between Paragraphs

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As maybe most of the people know, I am getting married at the end of this month (October) and the reception keeps being pushed back and somehow my house was not completed last month, mostly due to Covid and it's not like I can get angry at anything Covid related or impacted by, ya know. 

What's a human supposed to do, blame God for making a pandemic wash over the world? Blasphemy.

As a muslim, we are taught that all happenings are by God's will and God's plan is divine. Makanya redha on whatever is happening. 

A lot of things in my planned life is being pushed back, not just my house. My akad, for one, was supposed to be in August, but pushed to Oct. Reception was pushed to November but then cases started raising again, and now mom and dad wants to push it to December. That being said, meaning gotta push back the gamelan, the makeup, the pelamin and hotel stuff, photographer la apa la. My house completion date could be in December or further, God knows. The property company is being a byatch about it but not much I can do about it either. If there weren't any Covid maybe they would be completed by now. They are only pending approvals and stuff, the whole development part is done - ish. 

Anyhoo, I bought a house not because I was planning to marry this year, when I bought it I had plans to retire as a cat lady, but Alhamdullilah Allah had other plans for me. However it was delayed so now, after marriage, I have to find a temporary place to stay. Why do we not stay at in-laws place you ask? Well, in his case, he is sharing a room with his brother, so if I move in - where does his brother sleep? Can't kick him out just cuz we need the room. If staying at my parents', there's the whole sister debacle still going on and it's not nice as well. 

Mom was saying 'Yeah sure you can stay for a while, but...' 

The but gets me. Me with my overthinking, sensitive, anxiety-ridden ass, I get it. I get it, it's not convenient. Though I felt short of being unwelcomed, I try not to go there cuz I would fall off a cliff and drown myself where in actuality I am feeling like that now, a bit. Drowning, can't breathe. Because me, being my own self, where I have a lot of terms and conditions, am being particularly particular about places to stay. I was sitting in the shower and contemplating how it is going to feel like - currently the anxious feeling reminds me of my first day in UTP, in this small dingy shared room and I have a shared bathroom with some people and the conditions of the room and everything in the building was old and way less than what my so called spoiled ass is used to. Though, everything went well. I was wondering if it was gonna be like that - and that was like 13 years ago. Damn, right. 

Made some appointments to view some places for rent, so I hope we can get a good one. Yeah it's easy for them to say, "find a small place, you're just staying for a short while, or if it's too expensive, rent a room". Gosh. Talk is so easy right. I don't think they had to go through that after marriage cuz my grandmother made sure they were covered. Funny thing, my grandmom was adamant when I told her I'm looking for places to rent. She said it's riddikulus. I should stay with my parents. 

Queen, Madame, I'm sorry I'm just gonna go with my own guts this time. 

It's kinda like treading on thin ice with my parents at the moment. Some days I feel like breaking down and just cry, but what's the point. I'm not in highschool, things don't get solved or things don't disappear just because you cry and cut your arms and bleed. Back then, it was an escape, the adrenaline rush, oxytocin pumps into your brain so that you don't hurt. But I'm not that kid anymore. Though, I wonder if I overdid it and that's why my chemicals are running low and I am having other problems.

I'm grateful to K, that he can stand my overbearing self like this. I'm not sure whether he is not used to planning so much but I am the type who does plan, a lot - I make lists for things and make pros and cons comparisons and he doesn't and even though it bums me when he doesn't (cuz I feel like I'm doing all the things myself) but if I sit down and think about it thoroughly, if he IS that type of person, it will be like fire versus fire and this whole relationship might just burn down. Imagine I met another me and we can't agree with each other. God. I cannot even imagine. I mean, I love myself, but sometimes I have to agree I'm not that likeable. That and I can be a snob. One of the reasons my circles are small. He is the water to my fire, blah blah blah. Most of the time. Sometimes we still fire each other up. What relationship is perfect? 

Work has been bearable. I went back to office for a few weeks but now cases are running high again, the company gets us to work from home full time and I am not a fan. Work gets done, but the motivation and productivity levels need extra effort to be maintain a certain level. 

I think my lavender EO is kicking in, and my eyes are feeling heavy. 

I am heavy. I've been binge eating.  A lot of snackos. Chocolate, seaweed chips. Hah, which is another bad sign of something. I checked my period cycles, I'm not due in another 2 weeks, so it's not the PMS. This I can't figure out. It baffles me that I know the signs, yet I continue to spiral down that rabbit hole of depression or anxiety or cookies and chocolate and whatever this is. 

Dunno, the human heart and brain and chemicals are so weird. You run a bit low or run a bit too much, you go cuckoo. I mean not always in a bad way, some things are inevitable. You go cuckoo sometimes. Not everyone can be normal. What is normal anyway. Dad was saying as a girl I have to cook if I go to in-laws and I was like, um, since when does a girl HAVE to cook at her in-laws. Who says guys can't cook at his in-laws as well? No point stereotyping nowadays when the household income is made up by both sides of the gender coin. Last time yeahla, we can say the male is always he alpha, the one bringing the food to the table and shit but not nemore nu'uh. Not tryna be a feminist here, it's just facts. We don't live in cavemen period where the men goes hunting for boars and sharks for the ladies to cook in the cave and ohh and aahh at their men's beards. 

MOVE ON.

(telling the world in general) 

CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT THING IN THIS LIFE. 

There will always be change. Somewhere, something, someone. 

Netflix update : Just finished Emily In Paris and S2 faster please and started watching Gilmore Girls. This is my first time watching GG and I'm hooked. Oh I'm sorry my mom didn't allow me to watch other than cartoons while growing up. My earliest memory of a tv show is "Power Stone" on AXN when I was 16. We (me and Umar) were only allowed to watch TV 6pm - 7pm on weekdays and 8am - 10am on weekends. Then we gotta study 8pm - 10pm and 10am - 2pm. So no Gilmore Girls or Friends for me back then.