When You Suck In Your Native Tongue

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So, after two years of not doing a presentation in front of a bunch of people, I was told to do one today. Furthermore the module that I am told to present is like, the hardest one - which in my opinion was not exactly the hardest if compared to them seniors modules, but they said mine is the heftiest. Well from the technical side, yes, but in terms of explaining in layman terms to the business side...maybe not so much?

Maybe I'm still half-cooked in this whole thing. Or still raw. Well I do tend to simplify things a lot when I can teehee

Anyway, I was full of nerves and jitters since last night when Danny texted me to say the presentation will be tomorrow- as in, today - and for some reason my heart just wouldn't stop beating hard. Like, super hard. To the extent that it gets hard to breathe and my neck just tenses up like hell cuz the sessions for them seniors were like so hardcore. The explained a little bit and the IT team and business users starts shooting questions here and there. We had 8 modules and mine was the last - which kinda came as a blessing cuz everyone was super tired already. So my turn came, and GOD GOD GOD seriously I am just SO embarrassed but I kinda need to get all this out of my chest.

I squeaked.

HAHAHA. FARK. Not exactly squeaked la, but I kinda spoke in this singalong tone which feels so ELEMENTARY presentation AND FARK I dunno the more I think about it I'm like shit shit shit. Okay anyway I explained a bit and they started shooting questions. Thankfully Danny and CS stepped up to answer a lot of them so I'm kinda like super relieved at that. In the end I think I spoke 3 sentences at most? Yeah. I suck.

Anywayyy at the end I was supposed to ask one of the business users, Fitri, on the requirements and god knows I decided to speak ask in Malay. Cuz they were all mostly Malays and I had this little goal in me to speak in Malay as much as I can so I confidently went to him and asked something, in Malay.

Something, because I myself don't understand what I asked. It went something like

Me : Um Fitri, (insert some gibberish in Malay)
Fitri : Uhhh, kejap, aku cube nak fahamkan
Me : (talks more gibberish that I myself don't understand in Malay)
Fitri : Kejap kejap bagi aku cuba fahamkan
Me : (gives up and asks the question in English)
Fitri : Oh, yeah (answers cuz he can actually understand my inquiry)
Me : Oh okay (tries to run as far away as possible cuz FUCK ME I JUST KEEP EMBARASSING MYSELF)

So


That's it.

I dunno man. Even Jeanette speaks better Malay than me. Even Jimmy knows more peribahasa than me. All ze non-malays speaks super good Malay and okay, I can understand Malay pretty well but I think I will officially label myself as a someone who sucks in speaking Malay. I have no right to chastise my Chinese friends who dunno how to speak Chinese cuz I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT myself when it comes to speaking in Malay.

I hate myself.

Just speak in English at work Asma. Just speak English man. Don't embarrass yourself.
Kau nak cakap Malay tunggang langgang ngan kengkawan takpe la, tapi professionally just speak in English.

GOD.

almond milk but no waffles

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I was a MPH and randomly browsing books and my eyes fell on a small black book with the title 'milk and honey' by Rupi Kaur. My eyes went automatically to the top 10 bestsellers of the week and saw it was a number 3. Must be pretty good, I thought. I flipped through a few pages but I was struck on this one

Be careful of each word that rolls of your tongue when speaking

Then I flipped to the beginning and spent a good time reading till the middle of the book. Some parts were pretty graphic, and a good portion was on how adult women may be broken by their environment when they were a child which led to their current state at the moment - whatever it may be. This part was part one of the book, the next part was on love - being in love and being loved. She elaborated on the selfless love of a parent, adoring partners, her own love for her partner, and self love. I loved that even though it seemed like a 'feminist' kinda book, it helps to remind us women of our own strength and how all the things that we have gone through makes us who we are and we are not at fault. Nothing of us is a fault, and we need to embrace and love ourselves in order to be strong and fight against all the negativity in our life. I didn't get to the to the third part though.  

I almost bought this book, had I not have enough cash on me at that moment.

I was feeling kinda miffed with my family cuz they wanted me to ditch Puteh - the cat I saved but he has a bowel problem whereby he kinda doesn't realize it when he poops or pees - which leds to everyday we need to clean the porch cuz that's where we put the food and where he sleeps at night or during the day so we get butt stamps or poop or cat pee....and they don't like it. OK. I get it. It's smelly and dirty. But is it a legit cause to ditch the cat somewhere? I thought about it a lot, because I too feel guilty that I brought this upon the house - BUT - I can't leave him just anywhere cuz if I left him at a market or shop area he's bound to get kicked or even killed cuz he has a smelly butt. There are no cat sanctuaries in Malaysia that is like King's Cat House on the Hills.I even thought about taking him for animal acupuncture but I am not confident that it will rip a hole in my wallet, like a black hole, literally. I feel so bad for him but I am so mad at my family for even suggesting that we ditch him somewhere random. Because just the thought of him being hated everywhere else makes me so sad. 

:( 

Going through a major change at work and still deciding whether it's good or not. Anyhoo I need to update my resume soon. Some days I feel like 'You can do this Asma'!' but other this I'm like 'OMG You are so insignificant and useless here Roro'. On the latter days I feel like burying myself away. 

Btw, I've been into these Korean twins Q2HAN on Youtube. They graduated from FIDM (Fashion Institude of Design and Merchandising) LA, California and their English is da bomb. I kinda just have a thing for Asians speaking English as a second language (or first). Since I tend to speak in English at most times and my Malay is kinda....untrustworthy (as most my foreign friends would say) I just tend to like these people who speak English so effortlessly *flips hair* Anyhoo on top of that they like to talk about fashion a lot, go cafe hopping and have a thing for aesthetic interiors , and of course they have great fashion sense- which all that I love to do but rarely have a chance to do so I enjoy their vlogs a lot. I used to do it a lot but then most of my friends started to get married and have kids and like I mentioned before - I tend to shy away from asking them out a lot cuz they have their husbands and kids to be responsible for and I totally understand that. We still meet sometimes but there's kinda a limit and their husbands always join...so it's kinda like...not the usual anymore. It's all good though, I understand.  

On the topic of marriage, I myself am not bothered but people around me are kinda bothered, I guess. Hmm, I can't really say. I went through too much shit with relationships that I kinda just don't want one right now. So to be honest, I've been avoiding it. I will heal and be a better person for my partner and by that I want him to be my partner in life and hereafter too. 

Time seems to be going by slowly these days though. 

I was planning out our trip in September and kinda am confused on what or where to go on each day. Usually I plan for the family and they're like either just follow my plans or they just randomly do what they want based on the itinerary I created - by that I mean they pick and choose what they wanna do on what day. During the trip to Jogja...we all seem to have our own places preferred to go and managed to fit in. Now...hm, maybe we to meet up and plan properly this time. Usually when we meet up with the intention to plan the trip always ends up as forgetting to plan the trip >_<

Girls will be girls. 

Hey, you. 

Yes you. 

Despite all this, you're here, you've made it. If there are more obstacles in the future and things may seem hard, remember that it will all pass. This world is just temporary after all. Just, do your best.

Forget Cinderella's Glass Shoes

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I'm a low key Adidas sneakerhead. I like sneakers, and I like Adidas the most. Might have something to do with my dad's influence and I used to ban Nike back then and sorta can't bring myself to like it. Plus Nike and Adidas is kinda like big rivals, and I'm a loyal chick man. Adidas all the way. I do indulge in Puma or Converse once in a while though. I had an interest in the classic Vans but never really went as far as buying them.

Anyway last weekend I was trying to get my maksu to try my NMD's and she introduced me to this guy's instagram page - supposedly is a far away family member (can't remember which side) but he's a sneakerhead, lives in UK, super rich so he gets access to these exclusive kicks pretty easily. So I was lying in bed and scrolling through his feed and came across the Primeknit 'Datamosh' NMD R1. Price MYR2100. None my size though.

Okay, I was totally interested in this pair when they first announced but then it was one of those collaborative pair and totally exclusive and I dunno maybe it's the nerd in me when I read that the inspiration was datamoshing — a process of manipulating the data of media files in order to achieve visual or auditory effects when the files are decoded - I was totally sold. I WANTED IT.

BUT

I am a realistic person. I admit I get a thrill in acquiring things that are 'exclusives' or 'limited editions'. No it's not for showing off. I get this satisfaction. When I tell people this, usually they just scoff but whatever man - I like what I like and you can shove your opinions somewhere else.

Nway, I gave up on it soon after because:

1) It's a collab pair
2) It's exclusive as heck
3) Only released at certain stores over the world
4) With limited quantities
5) Resell price will reach 4 digits in MYR fo sho.

It's beautiful guise

But why of all of Adidas's models, I'm hooked on the NMD's? Why not Ultra Boosts, SuperStar, Campus, Stan Smiths or Tubulars?

Well, Ultra Boosts look very sporty. Mom has one and I wore them from time to time- comfy as heck, felt like walking on clouds but I can't really feel appropriately dressed sometimes. I do like Campus, Super Stars and Stan Smiths but they will be around for a while so there's no urgency to get them when they're out. I had a Stan Smith and a Super Star when they first introduced it and lasted me for all of 5 years until it broke. Since I used it pretty much everyday. Tubulars - I do dig - just haven't had that bamm-gotta-have-it moment like I do when I see NMDs. Oh oh, how about Yeezys? Same reasons as to why I gave up on the 'Datamosh' NMDs. Design wise - Yeezys are pretty dope and I am probably on the hype bandwagon but so far the only color ways I like is the BREDs and the new Beluga 2.0. The other's are pretty much meh color ways. Another thing is the amount of fakes out there. Bleargh. I'd still join the online raffles though hehe. I mean if I can resell them for double the price, why not? NMDs are like, just nice. Match with many things. TEEHEE.

SNEAKERS LAST LONG PEOPLE. FOR YEARS. My sandals all after a month rosak dy and need to buy one. Okla bohong, maybe a few months. But the amount of moolahs I spend for 5 years for sandals is more than I use for sneaks. SO
Imagine all the sneaks I can buy.
But I still need sandals. For girly days and work days and days I wanna feel tall.

HEHE.

Nway I will not shop this month!
It's my mantra everytime I see things I want.

(I do have this blouse I want from Poplook tho XD)

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. 

Of Eid and Taking Care of a Sick Cat

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Eid was pretty much a non-event for me this year. I couldn't feel excited at all, for some reason. Maybe because my Ramadhan wasn't utilized properly, hence I didn't feel deserving of the celebration that is Eid. Maybe cuz I was just looking forward to a relaxing holiday but then the first few days of Eid is always hectic. Maybe I've grown out of it. Maybe I'm just sick of it. For once I didn't even crave the food - which is a surprise even for me. All I keep wanting is coffee.

Gawd I sure sound like a jaded old lady.

Anyway we had Eid back in Kedah this year - me and bro took a flight while the others drove. It was just a one-hour flight and I just slept the whole time. Was there for around 4 days, but I can't even remember much, but it feels more like I didn't want to remember. I dunno, I don't wanna say anything but if I had a Pensieve , I'd let you guys see. Hehe. I remembered my last day though. Le parents, Aisyah and Hamzah went back home already and it was just me and bro staying one extra day in Kedah. I had absolutely nothing to do. In the end, I borrowed a car from one of my aunties and rode out to town with Suhail for some street photography. We took separate lanes and I stumbled onto this dope cafe nestled between old shophouses and had a yogurt smoothie to myself. I felt, ahh, this is the life - I love exploring and trying new things, but at the same time chilling in a cafe and people watching is something I enjoy doing when I'm alone too. Conversations over drinks are always fun and unpredictable. We went to Menara Alor Star too - there wasn't much to see though. I asked the concierge guy if there was anything new up there and he smilingly said no. Oh wells, it costs just RM9 anyway, so we just went up for the heck of it. Suhail seemed like he enjoyed himself a bit so it was all good. Kid loves photography a lot and his dad gives him good gear, so it's all good. Me however, still can't decide if I should go for a more compact camera or upgrade my Canon body.

Fujifilm XT-10 seemed good but then I saw my instacrush using Leica D'Lux 109 and was so tempted to try it out. Tbh upgrading my Canon body hurts my wallet a lot more because I need new lens too. All of them hurts my wallet tons, but the Canon part takes the cake.

Nway reached home on the 3rd Syawal and boy am I happy to be back. Picked up my cat from the boarding house and no bad news, thankfully. I burdened the doc a bit I think, but he was all okay about it and I am just so grateful. Tama (the cat) seems to not like me much since then tho. The doc probably was able to take care of his needs properly - like pooping and peeing. I still can't make him pee much and he totally hates me cleaning his butt now even. Both my hands are full of scratches and bites. Much as I'm feeling sad looking at my own hands and all, I feel sadder thinking about him and his inability to control his intestines and bladder. He must hate it too having to stay in the cage for a long time. It's just until the skin on his tail where it's cut off all grows back tho. I plan to let him be a free cat once the skin grows back.

I found him at work - in the morning he was just sitting by the water pool looking at the water wistfully and looking miserable. There were a few cats around the buildings and they know where to get food and water and I assumed this new one will adapt soon. I couldn't really get a container anywhere and fill up some water for him so I thought if by the time I go back he's still there, I'll bring him back. At the time I didn't know his condition.  Evening came and I went back and saw him resting by the building where I work, all weak. I suspect he didn't even had a drink. I nudged him to follow me and he walked with up all the way up to the parking. Getting him in the car was another issue but once he's calmed down, we went home. Only after inspecting him I got to know his he's got a broken tail (which was filled with maggots - EW - meaning the tail died) and a huge holey wound under his butt so off to the doc he goes the next day. Doc says tail needs to be cut off and I'm like okay, go on. All in all he costed me tons but I'm just glad he's feeling better.

Get well soon big boy

Cleaning up part of my room and unboxed an old box full of memories during my adolescence and I'm hit with waves of nostalgia. BAM!

I always bobbing between utmost depression and normal at the randomest times and it's is NOT fun. September feels so much longer - I have another trip lined up and wondering if I can fit another one by end of the year. Passport expires by 2021 so I can try to fill it up a lil' bit before having to renew it. Only three country stamps for this year, still loads more space for others! How I wish I have loads more holidays.

Two Nights in Osaka

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We landed at KIX (Kansai International Airport) around 6.30 AM and straight away found the prayer room for us to pray. Prayer room at KIX was lit - omg I am put to shame with the shabby room they provided us with at KLIA. KIX was way smaller than KLIA but their facilities was at a different level. A higher level, mind you. Just a few moments of stepping onto Nippon land and I am already awed out. As usual, navigation was on me. I had this app called Halal Gourmet Japan and turns out KIX had a few halal food joints. We went to the one that looks street foodish - my choice of course and had a classic udon and various selection of tempura on the side.

 

After having our breakfast, we headed out to find our way to the hotel. Made a short stop at the Tourist Info Center to buy our 2-day Osaka Amazing Pass for 3000yen. There is a train station right next to KIX which interconnects to everything and everywhere. You know those self-operating ticket machines you always see in anime and dramas? Yeah don't even try to operate any of those if you don't know any Japanese. Thankfully enough there is a ticket office right next to these machines and they have an English counter for us gaijins. Bought 3 tickets to Osaka Station (as our hotel is a few hundred metres from the station) and we're on our way. Dropped our baggage at the hotel and boom we're on our way.

Morning hustle at Osaka Station

First stop, Umeda Sky Building! I've been stalking this place for a while and so so so wanted to ride on the overhanging escalator between level 49 and 51. First you gotta take the glass escalator up to level 49, then only you will need to show your Osaka Amazing Pass for a free entry to the observatory and take the heart dropping escalator ride to level 51. Truth be told I'm scared of heights but the heart wants what it wants man. My knees went weak as jelly but the experience priceless. 

Next stop was the second largest aquarium in Japan - Osaka Kaiyukan. The entrance fee costs around 2,300 yen - which is around RM90++. The first thing they make you do is to go to the topmost level of the building, in which you will make your way down in spirals around a large tank where the huge fishes like whale sharks, gigantic manta-rays and sharks dwells. This giant tank is on your right as you walk down 7 levels down and on your left will be various other smaller tanks with tons of different species of water creatures. One tank as just full of squids and wow I never thought that squids can look so pretty. They had sea otters, penguins and white seals omg the white seals are the cutest ever and I loved their jelly fish area it was soooo extraterrestrial. There were a few of those tunnels you have to go through with fish swimming around you and it was just so wonderful. I felt like I was in a different world. When I think of it, I stopped by almost each tank and was like 'woah' and 'WOAH' and 'woaahhhh' XD I'm scared of water creatures to be honest but I love aquariums. It's like my love-hate relationship with beef ( like how I eat meat if it doesn't look like meat i.e, burgers ).

It was just amazing. Outside the aquarium there were small street shows and there was a large shopping area (Tempozan Market Place) next to eat and a HUGE ferris wheel (Tempozan Ferris Wheel) which nobody wanted to take with him so we ended up not taking it. AND THERE WAS A SUPER NICE SOFT ICECREAM SHOP RIGHT OUTSIDE 

It was 6 degrees out but who cares, we want icecream

Had dindins at a nearby Indian place and headed back home. For a first day and right after landing - it was such a tiring day. We went to two major places but these two were quite far from each other and there was a lot of walking involved. Of course there were a lot of things to see and explore around these areas. A stone throw's away from the Umeda Sky Building is the Grand Front Osaka - an area for people watching, dining and shopping. There's a Pokemon Center too inside Osaka Station, but I didn't get to go. Osaka Station itself is full of wonders, tbh. I want to make another trip in the future and to explore Osaka Station is one of it. Seriously peeps. Seriously. There was a rooftop observatory that I didn't dare to go up cuz you need to take another hanging escalator. I had enough of weak knees in one day from Umeda Sky Building thank you. 

2nd day in Osaka was rainy but we plodged on. First thing on the hit list - Osaka Castle. We planned for some sakura viewing here but seeing the rain, we didn't hope much. Got on the train, stopped by Lawson on the way for some konbini breakfast (onigiri, coffee, bananas, and bought some umbrellas and raincoat) and walked and walked until we reached the castle. It was a superior looking structure looming over a hill over us, and surrounding it was a river - sorta. We first had to go through this huge gate-door like thing which looks old as heck into a garden. A garden of cherry blossom and peach blossoms. It would've been much much prettier with the flowers blooming but it was raining and the flowers looked a bit gloomy. Anyway I was more in awe over the castle more than anything. Leading to the castle from the pathway is a huge old bridge made up of wood as big as me - imagine this lone bridge holding on for all these centuries and I'm like woah - an from there we had to climb a hill up to the castle. Trust me, in the rain the temperature was dropping low, my feet were frozen over but if he emperor wants to see you, you gotta make the journey yaw.

After an audience with the Emperor, we moved to explore the center of hustle bustle of Osaka - Dotonbori. Took the train there, headed to this place called Ganko for some authentic Japanese lunchies and took to the streets. Where mom found her fabric heaven and I sat at the Burger King next door eating fries (fried in vege oil and not mixed with any meat) and some strawberry sundae- cuz mom and her fabric stuff will take an hour atleast. Dotonbori area is that bomb peeps. It's a mixture of old and new - you can find street brands shops and japanese market stuff in this area and just next to it is Shinsaibashi, a 2 kilometers long street shopping mall. Right before it is the Glico man, and Pablo cafe XD 

Later that night we did explore a bit of Osaka Station, right before they close. I just had to get a new pair of sneaks because my Puma platforms were freezing up and squeezing my foot and hurt like hell. Decided to splurge at Adidas and that was when I fell in love with the NMD. We hung around drinking coffee at the overhanging artificial garden between Osaka Station and LUCCA shopping mall, watching the night life. It was just wonderful end to the two nights in Osaka. 

Kyoto for the next two nights - in another post. 

There's really a lot more things to see and do in Osaka but we just didn't have enough time. I'm planning another trip in the future to see all the other things I couldn't. There were a lot of shrines and stuff too and of course food huntingggggg. 

XD

My other post on expenses while in Japan 

Breaking Down The Yens

Trauma of Cats

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I think after Owen's death, I was too heartbroken. I've gotten a bit scared about having another cat of my own. Nowadays it's just the neighborhood cats coming in and out, making the place their own. They are a healing, but it's just not the same. I still miss him from time to time. 

Silly maybe, but it's just how it is.

First day of puasa went okay. Food cooked was a tad bland and the jelly on my trifle was on the tough side. Still yummy though. I think I slept through the day a lot, day dreamt and thought about stuffs. Wondering about the past, wondering about the future. I had this thought that - people who had gone through a lot more hardships tend to be kinder than others -  as I was thinking about the people around me. I should learn from them a thing or two on being kind. Forgiving others and not get mad so easily. There's always this different vibe in the air during Ramadhan and probably mostly because the devils are being chained.

Finally got rid of the broken Mac but feeling kinda weird not having a laptop around. Went shopping a bit with JJ yday and he mentioned it's much cheaper to buy parts of desktop and assemble it - customize your own desktop - simply put, and it won't cost me as much, he said. I have been considering a desktop ya know, just haven't had the time to actually do proper research on it. Getting a laptop was the no brainer decision. Just pick one that is within my budget and with the kind of specs I felt sufficient, and it's settled. Buying desktop parts sounds cool too, plus I'm not the kind that brings her laptop around. Needs wise- I'll mostly use it for editing photos. God I miss editing. Taking pics with the DSLR feels pointless sometimes when I can't even process them properly. Now I'm mostly using VSCO butttttt it doesn't beat Lightroom. Yes, VSCO on the phone. Thank god iPhone 7+ takes good pics but still.

I miss you Lightroom. 

Mengade kan. Hahahahhaha.

I dunno, it's been a shitty week at work to be honest, and we're all a lot of fed up with some things. I'm trying not to think too much into it but work takes up 5 outta 7 days of the week.

Bottomline is;

Do good, be kind, love more and open up your heart. 

Be grateful. 

I wish September would come soon. Don't you? 

Because I have a trip lined up. Hehe. 

x

Only Assholes Feel Sorry For Themselves

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First week back to work after the trip was EFFING slow. I'm not saying there wasn't much work, it's just my brain gears haven't settled into it yet. Second week in, kinda better, but yesterday was Monday and you know how Monday goes. I kinda spent the weekend thoughtlessly, mostly on my bed or sofa reading the new books I got. I still have around 20 books I haven't read from last year's BBW and still in 10% into Midnight Lady (by Cassandra Clare) but dood how can I go to Kino and NOT buy anything? So I kept my purchase minimum. Bought two books. Wabi-Sabi and Me Before You. Well, I watched Me Before You on the flight to Osaka and was...not as moved as people claim to be when they watched the movie. The hopeless romantic inside me felt like, WTF MAN. So I bought the book. Wabi-Sabi was written by a Spanish author apparently and translated into English - which I only realised after I searched the book up on Goodreads and explained the simple English in there. Maybe not too simple, but I felt like the author was trying to mimic Murakami but failing. It's just my view as someone who enjoys Murakami occasionally, and seeing someone else trying to do in such a plain way kinda irks me. So they threw this unsuspecting character, Daniel, to Kyoto after his girlfriend dumps him, where he goes on to find a nameless bar and ended up meeting a weird old man and his niece, who is a suicidal modern geiko, hailing from Cali, and ended up as a fling. Ok the plot itself was fine, but it was as if he didn't make proper research on Kyoto whatsoever, and just flung in some facts on some shrines over there just to make it as if this character went all over Japan.

AND THERE WASN'T MUCH ON WABI-SABI EITHER.

Eh wait. Wabi-sabi is the beauty of imperfection.

Okay I need to rethink this.

Anyway, had my appraisal at work yesterday. Not so much of an appraisal, more like a chit-chat with my tech lead since the appraisal period is already over and I saw my grade already. I met expectation, and well, I expected that I met expectations only too. Ha. Okay anyway, chit-chat. He just wanted to know how I'm doing, and what I'm struggling at currently and why I wanted training ( cuz I wrote in my comments that I wanted to go to training if possible ) and the future. I wondered if I had spoken out too much. I dunno, the span of one hour was punctuated often by silence and me being me I have not much to say. Even so, I wondered if I've said too much of what I shouldn't. Time went by quite fast here, I told him, that its already a year plus but I felt like I haven't learned much. He said, it's okay I'm doing fine, and even he didn't realise it but it's already 5 years plus for him too.

There are a few other things but I don't think I should write them down, I guess.

I have a lot of worries now that I think of it.

8.45AM. I guess I should be getting ready to work already.

Noys came over and brought baby Nawfal and mom and dad look really delighted. It kinda made me think, maybe they'd like it if I get married soon and they have grandchildren. Hmmmm. Ntahlah. After my lil' fiasco I felt like taking time off but seeing mom and dad in a different kind of happy was weird. In a good way of course.

We'll see. Go with the flow Roro. Go with the flow.