.
The word 'home' is so ambiguous.
Sometimes I think it's the place where I belong, sometimes I feel it's the person that makes me feel happiest the most. You know how in songs, they'd say something along bringing someone home with and I often wonder the meaning of those words. Literally, it means they'd bring you home - to do whatever for the night, by tomorrow you'd be strangers again. Other circumstances would be similar along the lines that I would be thinking. But what is 'home' to one, really. I wonder if I have to figure it out, cuz it seems to change.
Nowadays home feels like if I had my own place, where I am content in my own being, doing what I would be doing. I rarely see anyone else beside me, mostly I'll be alone, on the sofa - sipping from a mug and just being comfy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my relationship with friends or family is bad or something at the moment, it's right now a big part of me just wants to be selfish. Just wants to happy for the sake of myself. Just want to love myself the way I am. I am sick of this unconscious notion where you need other people to be happy. If you want to look pretty, if you want to wear something nice, it's because you want to and you feel good doing it, not because you want to impress anyone. I'm wearing face masks and drinking herbal tea because I want to have good skin and stomach - not because I want to be pretty and slim like other people. I'd eat, because it's good. I'd spend time with the people I want - because they are dear to me. If I want to do something, I'd do it, regardless what you'd think of me doing it. I'll be dorky, cuz I'm a big dork. I'm an awkward penguin, deal with that too.
I know I'm being like this over what happened last year - and starting this new year I think I am starting to come to terms to it and moving on. I often wonder why I can move on this fast, but it's because I didn't really need him as much as I did before. I wanted to be with him as much as I thought he did, but in the end that wasn't the case. Breaking up was okay because I didn't want the relationship anymore. Not the way it was at the end - broken trust and shattered dreams. Once I established that, it was easier to let go. Easier to forgive, but not forget. I'm not sure if forgiving was the thing I was doing but I know my heart felt emptied out and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Needing someone to complete you was a recipe for disaster - and I learned that the hard way. I'll admit, I still think of the possible future at times and it still breaks my heart and sometimes I even miss him, but I'll try to keep myself in check.
And if anything I've learnt all this while, there is no such thing as too late. This life that we are living so hard for, it's temporary. It'll last for a while, I give you that, but it's not going to last forever. The least you could do is to keep improving, to keep fighting, to keep surviving.
---
On another note, my Sunday have been rather unproductive - AND TOMORROW IS MONDAY. Werk werk werk. I still have to take Elite-chan for service. Maybe I can send her off tomorrow for service and some repairs and borrow mom's car again. Wee. Work wise, it's been okay. I still have a lot to learn but....just but. I'm really grateful for my teammates tho because without them I probably wouldn't have lasted this long, being unskilled and lost as I am. I'll still stay, because I still have lots to learn. It's scary, yes, but somehow I think I can get through it. Positive vibes much? You know, there's not much harm in caring too much or helping too much, as long as you are not taken for granted and don't expect things in return. It's when you do that the water gets murky. I can't really say but you should be sensitive enough to know when people start making use of you for their own benefit.
The word 'home' is so ambiguous.
Sometimes I think it's the place where I belong, sometimes I feel it's the person that makes me feel happiest the most. You know how in songs, they'd say something along bringing someone home with and I often wonder the meaning of those words. Literally, it means they'd bring you home - to do whatever for the night, by tomorrow you'd be strangers again. Other circumstances would be similar along the lines that I would be thinking. But what is 'home' to one, really. I wonder if I have to figure it out, cuz it seems to change.
Nowadays home feels like if I had my own place, where I am content in my own being, doing what I would be doing. I rarely see anyone else beside me, mostly I'll be alone, on the sofa - sipping from a mug and just being comfy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like my relationship with friends or family is bad or something at the moment, it's right now a big part of me just wants to be selfish. Just wants to happy for the sake of myself. Just want to love myself the way I am. I am sick of this unconscious notion where you need other people to be happy. If you want to look pretty, if you want to wear something nice, it's because you want to and you feel good doing it, not because you want to impress anyone. I'm wearing face masks and drinking herbal tea because I want to have good skin and stomach - not because I want to be pretty and slim like other people. I'd eat, because it's good. I'd spend time with the people I want - because they are dear to me. If I want to do something, I'd do it, regardless what you'd think of me doing it. I'll be dorky, cuz I'm a big dork. I'm an awkward penguin, deal with that too.
I know I'm being like this over what happened last year - and starting this new year I think I am starting to come to terms to it and moving on. I often wonder why I can move on this fast, but it's because I didn't really need him as much as I did before. I wanted to be with him as much as I thought he did, but in the end that wasn't the case. Breaking up was okay because I didn't want the relationship anymore. Not the way it was at the end - broken trust and shattered dreams. Once I established that, it was easier to let go. Easier to forgive, but not forget. I'm not sure if forgiving was the thing I was doing but I know my heart felt emptied out and I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Needing someone to complete you was a recipe for disaster - and I learned that the hard way. I'll admit, I still think of the possible future at times and it still breaks my heart and sometimes I even miss him, but I'll try to keep myself in check.
And if anything I've learnt all this while, there is no such thing as too late. This life that we are living so hard for, it's temporary. It'll last for a while, I give you that, but it's not going to last forever. The least you could do is to keep improving, to keep fighting, to keep surviving.
---
On another note, my Sunday have been rather unproductive - AND TOMORROW IS MONDAY. Werk werk werk. I still have to take Elite-chan for service. Maybe I can send her off tomorrow for service and some repairs and borrow mom's car again. Wee. Work wise, it's been okay. I still have a lot to learn but....just but. I'm really grateful for my teammates tho because without them I probably wouldn't have lasted this long, being unskilled and lost as I am. I'll still stay, because I still have lots to learn. It's scary, yes, but somehow I think I can get through it. Positive vibes much? You know, there's not much harm in caring too much or helping too much, as long as you are not taken for granted and don't expect things in return. It's when you do that the water gets murky. I can't really say but you should be sensitive enough to know when people start making use of you for their own benefit.
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