Distant

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Sometimes my ears feel blocked and there's like a weird hum going on, and I dunno what that is and I noticed it happens when I have a real stiff neck as well, so maybe related to blood pressure or blood flow? God knows. I'd go for a check but it's just a hassle.

I'm listening to Lee Hi's SEOULITE album tonight. I love her voice, it's so deep and soulful. The song BREATHE, its so calming. I close my eyes and just let the music flow over me and it feels nice. Like you're just sitting at the window, overlooking the twinkling city and letting the night breeze sweep over your face once in a while. The song is saying, it's okay, take a deep breath, rest, I'll watch over you, you did well.

You're doing well Asma'.

Tbh I don't think I've been doing well. I've started binge eating again and it's not a good sign, esp when I can literally feel my fats doubling and tripling under my skin.

"Said you're chasing your dreams, but why are you just lying there"

It's perplexing to me, human emotions. Even my own emotions confuse me. It can change in a blink of an eye. The strongest feeling I have right now is that ' I don't care. ' Yes, if I could simplify it, it feels like that. I don't care, I don't care about you. I will just care about myself, because no one would, deshou? Those people who keep saying that they care, but do nothing. Lip service. Gosh, I hate those kind of people. I hate inconsistent people as well. I hate people just doing nothing but complain about how their situation doesn't change.

Bullshit innit?
You don't even do anything but you expect a change? Funny funny funny.

Gosh, I'm so sleepy. It's only 11PM though.
Nites.

5am

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I don’t regret much things in life, generally. Cuz u gotta reap what u sow and there ain’t much u can do about it once things happened other than to deal with it and take in lessons from it.

But suddenly this morning I remember there was a time when I deeply regretted a decision I made during high school, and prayed to God to never let me do such a thing again. It was my during my adolescences, and I was not mature. It’s just that, suddenly now, I hated my younger self that did that.

But you know, there’s no such things as a mistake in God’s plans. Everything happens for a reason. I should stop regretting and have faith in His plans.

Easier said than done, of course.
But to start, one needs to accept the hard facts. 

Blue and Orange Sunrise

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Movement Restriction Order day-25, I think.

It's Sunday today and last Friday the government announced an extension to the MRO in Malaysia until 28th April and I'm like partly 'oh, that was expected since the number of cases have been plateau and they expected the virus to peak mid-April' and another part was like 'oh, demn'. I was like down the whole day, mostly cuz I miss my bae and I wanna see him, and I prefer to work from office tbh, working from home doesn't work for me as much...my productivity is not at 100% if you ask me, and I do prefer face to face meetings because well, communication issues...but I do like the fact that I can wake up later and 'reach home' earlier than usual. The government are doing awesome (albeit some people who are coming up with weird ideas like Doraemon and TikTok contests) and I truly appreciate that and am doing my best to support them. Right before COVID-19 hit Malaysia hard, the politics were in turmoil and ended up our current PM was chosen to step up by YDP Agung and he received this huge responsibility in this very trying times.  Me, being me, didn't really take much interest in politics - mainly cuz I tried to understand it but just ended up seeing the worst of humans so I decided not to give a shit. Mom was like 'it is your social responsibility to know' and I'm sorry mom, not this time. Anyway, our current PM, I don't know you well, but my heart goes out to you in your efforts to govern this country in this struggling time and you have been doing so so so well and please take care of your health too cuz what I heard, he just recovered from a bout of sickness as well.

:(

Onwards.

I'm addicted to coffee. No shit. I need to have coffee daily, and not the instant one, I needed proper coffee so I bought some grounded beans and brought out the old espresso machine out and it's working so far. It's been a day, lol. I mean, I've been having dalgona coffee for almost everyday in the last 3 weeks, and the amount of sugar I consume on the daily is concerning. My eczema have been flaring up and it means my sugar levels are quite on the high level as the bacterias are zooming about my blood vessels and multiplying and spreading faster before my antibody can kill them so it is a concern. How do I know? My wrists starts to get itchy and now it's all bloody and wounded and it's not nice man and my whole body at days feels itchy - like directly under my skin, so yeah. It's not comfortable. Hence tryna cut the dalgona and cut the desserts and cut the chocolates. Thing is, now that I've got the espresso machine out, I realize again that I need some equipments , like the milk frother jug and shot glasses. And good milk. I had some from MilkLab, but had used up the last of it yesterday and we only have HL milk and I tried to use that and it didn't taste as good. HL was nice with dalgona but not with the espresso one. But there's still 2 cartons of HL milk so I don't wanna buy more and waste this one, esp not in this time where produce is sacred.

Mom bought a bread maker as well, cuz she was influenced by my aunties but guess who's making em? Moi. As with the juice maker. It's only me making juices for parents else nobody touched the damn juice maker. Well, but I volunteered cuz I was having juice everyday at work - like proper cold-pressed juice, so I was all happy to have it at home, but bread maker? BREAD maker. I don't even like bread that much. Family eats a lot of bread tho - currently we still have a loaf of Gardenia so I'm not making any bread now, atleast until that one is almost finished. Jangan membazir.

I did look up bread recipes dy tho muhaha.

I am mostly pishang because I miss bae. I wanna see him and hang out and eat and do what we do. We are not much texters, and calls have their limits too. Told him we shud've gotten married earlier this year but yeahla who knew we are going to be under pandemic outbreak, jadi bertabah sahaja lah. My house also no news. And I hope we can get it by June, so I can start checking and renovate and decorate. I realized that in my head, my house kinda has a lot of plants. Plants and cats tho. I plan to have Miso with me, since she likes to be alone so maybe she'll be happy to start over in a house without any other catto. Parents can keep Kiki and family but I dunno if bae has any cats he wanna bring over so gotta consider that too.

These days I slept late (1 AM is considered late for me la) and wake up and try not to sleep back after Subuh prayers too but seems like okay ish. Cuz usually 11pm I'm bonkers already. Tired la from commuting then full if I have dinner as well. It's weekend and I'm supposed to finish Killing Commendatore, but I'm still at 65% of the book. Not that it ceases to be interesting, but I've been distracted with cats on TikTok. It's just sooo cute. So so so so so cute. I will review Killing Commendatore of course, once finished. Somehow, I have very less interest in reading western books, of any genre these days. I like Japanese literature, and I like writings by Murakami and Ruth Ozeki. I've been trying to find something like 'Memoirs of A Geisha' but have not been successful. I read and re-read Memoirs of A Geisha because it was so well written and lovely, detailed but not to throw you off - as the nature of their occupation and how they came into being one. The writer (not Japanese) portrayed them beautifully. I still like reading, it's just that nowadays it's hard to find a book that hooks me. Murakami is one of those and I've been keeping a collection of his books to read. Whenever I go to Kino or Borders or BBW, I tend to want to buy - but it will be on my shelf for a while. There was that phase where I was into fantasy realms and sci-fi - I think that was when Zuhair introduced me to it, and was hooked and every time we met we just talked about books and characters and it was so much fun cuz it's not always you find someone to talk about books like that. Very little people in my life that I had that kind of connection. I think, roughly 3-4 people? Now we don't talk much anymore. He started to going into investigative criminal books and I started working and had less time to read so now when we meet, we hardly talk. Oh, I just remembered. He introduced me to Percy Jackson and yes it was neat af to learn about Greek myths and Rick Riordan always had a fun spin to things, and he goes into all the other ethnicities as well, like Egyptian myths and what not. That's how I have bits of pieces of info in my head, I guess.

Almost 8 am now.

I miss nasi lemak. A really good one, wrapped in banana leaf.
Uwu. 

Bingeing on Chestnut Head

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After finishing Itaewon Class on Netflix, I am binge watching dramas with Park Seo Jun. I rewatched Fight My Way (so the cutest) and just finished What's Wrong Secretary Kim today. Aih, he is indeed the best lead for rom-coms...well Itaewon class was not a rom-com, it was more on being the underdog and his journey in toppling the upper class but hey it's Korean dramas, there's some romance in there for sure. Secretary Kim is pretty much a straight up rom-com, but it's cute and sweet. I was definitely feeling fuwa fuwa at the end.

Well, not that I watch much dramas or movies that doesn't have romance in it. I am mostly a chick flick of a person. I had a phase during university where I watch these indie movies with weird themes, but I kinda outgrew it because I think it had some negative impact on me. I realized my emotions are easily influenced by media, so I try not to go into something too disturbing. Japanese indie movies can be quite disturbing. I've watched a bit of stuff. Back in uni days, you can get almost anything on the p2p network. Hehe. My reads too. It went from teenage adventure things to rom-com to psychological or indie fiction and now I mostly just read Japanese literature like Murakami. However, Murakami is kinda heavy for one to read, so usually I don't delve unless I can totally focus on it. Which is getting harder these days with distractions from my phone.

Feeling major bloated today because I ate a lot, or maybe it's an everyday thing? Kinda hard to keep track of what day it is with this movement lockdown order but definitely kept tabs on when is weekend. Since I don't have to bother with texts about work and opening email and stuff. Work has been slow, but them bosses are monitoring more strictly than ever, which is kinda harder on us working levels cuz well, if we don't have much to do, what can we do? I also am dealing with Singapore branch but I heard today Singapore is also on a Movement Control Order thingy so a lot of things are being put on hold until things cleared up with the virus.

But I did hear that the exotic market in Hubei is back on, and there are second waves of coronavirus coming from there and I'm like having this facepalm moment and wondering if this vicious cycle is ever gonna end until someone finds a vaccine. I'm even getting anxiety looking at pictures of crowds nowadays. I was editing pictures from Japan trip few years ago and well there was a lot of pictures with crowds - esp in Dotonbori area but I was having minor anxiety attacks looking at the pictures. Like, people, stahp. So I didn't post those pictures because well, it might not be such a positive picture to be shown in this kind of situation.

Numbers in Malaysia went up today, and I'm not sure what to make of it. The officials shared that they expected the highest number of infections in Malaysia would be sometime in mid-April, but...aren't we supposed to finish the MCO by then? I do foresee an extension. Even though this isolation life is slowly slowly affecting me. Partly I feel like on a super long holiday with the family - which is what we do mostly, eat and hang around but this time without a destination. Have not felt like killing each other yet, but we are kinda tired I think. Byk complain en? I shouldn't tho. There are people in worse conditions that us and I should be grateful that even in this MCO, our family is able to function normally.

I need to find other things to do than Netflix tho. Have not moved from the second chapter of Killing Commandatore, so i should start on that tomorrow. Or clean my bookcase, whichever comes first.

Crossover is having major sales and I was not able to decide which to get. I dunno, saving up seems to be a healthier choice, but sometimes I'm a bit stressed out or frustrated I go and surf and add to cart stuff but I didn't check them out yet. Am debating between a Nike Air Max 270 React or Adidas Supercourt or Adidas Ozweego. I am leaning towards Ozweego because Mino has one he keeps wearing but that exact colorway is totally unavailable on JD or Adidas or Crossover. But Reac tis SUPER COMFY THO. Meh. I wanna matchy2 with bae also. I lob u Song Mino. Your style and fashion sense and your existence just make me fuwa fuwa. 

Tumbling Thursday

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It's only afternoon but I feel like I have a lot of things to get off my chest.

First, on being pushed into things that you are not totally prepared or pre-empted for.
I get it, you don't know how to swim, you get pushed into the water against your will, they leave you floundering and says they will help you just so you don't die from drowning and that is how you LEARN. It's a fucking learning process. Now, where have I heard of this? Oh yes, my shitty boss in my previous company. When I first heard it, I was irked, like what the fuck. Then I paced myself, okay, we can do this, let's learn. You gotta learn shit anyway. Okay I did it. Fast forward to now, I am hearing the same thing, and my reaction is the same. But, I am trying to pace myself better now so that my turnaround time is faster.

Haih. What happened was, there was a meeting and I was suddenly put on the spot and somehow I didn't respond well cuz I have no idea whats' what and probably getting some negative shit in my tray but I just have to bounce back from it. Kinda hating it.

Now I have another meeting in half an hour and hope this one is better.
I dunno but working from home is starting to have its pushy moments and I am not handling it well right now. And some people are just plain RUDE okay. Excuse moi but you're not the only important one here.

I keep thinking about how what I am doing and what is my job scope based on my job grade is not balanced and I feel so angry about it, and that is why I'm having all this reluctance. I KNOW. It's NOT good to think that way, but it feels so unfair at the same time. It's something I need to talk with my boss about and not in a complaining way - tho what they like to say at the end is "You can always take this as a challenge". YES I am and I am trying to take it positively and I will always do my best, but at one point I'm having enough challenges in my tray and too many challenges can cause a person to break down. Especially when suddenly thrown into a 'challenge' and not equipped at ALL. If this is a jungle, I am just thrown in without a knife at least, how? I will just die la if suddenly kena with a lion. Summore I'm fat cannot run so far what. Lion tu sedap2 la makan.

If anything I'll just end up crying and submitting my resignation, if I do have to be at a standpoint with a lion.

And fight with le fiance is not getting any better and I fucking hate him as well for being unfair to me too. Mel says, if you fight it means you love each other, and you need fights to keep the relationship going, and YES I GET YOU MEL, but this is so fucking annoying and it's not my fucking fault so why do I have to be unfairly treated. And our marriage is so uncertain right now and I have no idea what to do.

*screams*

I don't feel okay today, I don't. I just need for the weekend to come, so I can not have work and actually make a list of all the things I am bothered about and how to deal with it and the emotional sandstorm that is raging inside of me.

On another note, gloves and milk arrived from Lazada. Hell yeah. I can make my coffee, and I can go to giant without being worried about touching all the stuff and not having any protection.

Positive vibes and all that shit. 

Just Not Happening

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I tried to paint today. Usually I don't touch the canvas unless I really have an inspiration, and today somehow I reached out, and tried to paint. I had a drawing of a little girl, inspired by a picture of Haru, but when I painted it today, something just didn't come out right. I wasn't mean to paint that girl today, I think. It's not what I felt like painting.

So I took to demolishing the canvas and put it in my dustbin.

A state of nothingness, a sense where nothing is going on, that is me right now.

I'm just blanked out. I have no idea what went on today, but I just felt highly disturbed by almost everything and everyone today. I could not process, why do these people do the things they do, why do the say the things they do, and just, why, and what am I doing here right now. I was having a constant headache the whole day, and just couldn't think.

Not that I am looking down on these people, I'm just questioning what is their state of mind. At work, it was mostly on project management. I feel like, not everyone has the sense to do certain things in a way that would make their life easier. I am not saying I do. At that current time, and for that certain task, I felt failed to understand why this person is doing what they are doing and making their lives uncomfortable and going through the long roundabout way to achieve their final goal. I was flipping out because of them and their roundabout way, I have to suffer through an hour of incessant babbling. I highlighted this to mom and her answer was

"Now, you hold your ear like this (holds her left ear with her left hand) while some others hold their ear like this (holds her left ear with her right hands which resulted on having to twist her arm around her head), so not everyone is the same, and you have to deal with it."

I understand of course, people have their own way of doing things.
I'm just pissed because I have to suffer because of their adamant ways to do things their own way yet not achieving the final goal.

Sure, they learn. I learn too. But I don't want to learn the same things so many times, I won't be moving forward much, won't I?

I'm just Miss Pissy Pants today. That's all.

Grumpy Monday

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Man, my last post was in May 2018? It's been a year plus man. I got engaged in 2019.
Just putting it out there.

Anyhoo,

It's been 13 days into MCO- Movement Control Order due to the Covid-19 virus and working from home today felt so tedious somehow. So I woke up early, ironed my clothes as if I am going to work for real, and dressed up and even put my make up on. It helped a little bit I guess. I had an early meeting with the vendor and user. Okay technically 9.30am ain't THAT early if I was actually at work, but it felt fucking early today and I fucking blamed the vendor cuz they were the ones who set up the meeting. Everyone was sorta grumpy I guess.

How is Malaysia in this wake of coronavirus?
I guess we are still united as ever. I'm honestly happy how much help everyone is trying to be, BUT of course there are those rouges, making trouble (STAY AT HOME YOU FUCKERS) and some entitled shitholes tryna make themselves relevant by doing good but making a show out of it (C'MON IKHLAS SKIT BOLE TAK) but all in all Malaysia is okay I guess. The numbers are not going up, but it's not going down. Pretty much stagnant at around 150-200 cases per day. Not saying that it's totally a good thing, but I'm just so grateful for all our frontliners working so hard to keep the numbers at bay. The government is locking down on red alert areas and trying to contain the virus from spreading. Red alert areas are ares with a high surge of virus suddenly. Like the most recent one is the one at the tahfiz school in Hulu Langat, I heard one of the ustazs' went to the tabligh gathering and infected the whole school. Praying that all the kids will recover, soon, and all the people infected will be able to recover too. WHO is making Malaysia one of the countries able to do clinical testing of drugs used to fight the coronavirus and I pray that we will be able to get some breakthrough from this. InsyaAllah.

Tbh I've been quite anxious since the beginning of the lockdown when it started, mostly because I read some nasty articles about conspiracy theories and such, but then I tried to calm myself cuz well even if those theories were true, so what? I stopped reading those stuff and somehow ended up reading a book by Mizi Wahid titled "Call Upon Him"- 21 ways to get closer to Him. In a lot of ways, the book helped to put things into perspective for me. This virus that we are scared of, where did it come from? Nobody knows. But what we as Muslims know, nothing happens without His will, and it is by His well that this virus descended upon earth and immobilised hoomans on this earth. I also read a Hadith from the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. to Aisyah r.a. , if I'm not mistaken

Volume 7, Book 71, Number 630:

Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) that she asked Allah's Apostle about plague, and Allah's Apostle informed her saying, "Plague was a punishment which Allah used to send on whom He wished, but Allah made it a blessing for the believers. None (among the believers) remains patient in a land in which plague has broken out and considers that nothing will befall him except what Allah has ordained for him, but that Allah will grant him a reward similar to that of a martyr."

Yeap. There was a few others, but what I can say is, I felt at ease. I believed that God gave me this time to focus on repairing my relationship with Him. I know that I have not been the best of believers, and I am not proud of that. So I did, I tried and did all I can to work on my relationship with Allah. The most important one is Salah. I did my best to focus in Salah, and prayed that my Salah will be accepted by Him.

InsyaAllah, we'll all be fine.

On another note, even though work was kinda draggy today, I fulfilled my 8 hours and did my best to focus at work today. Tomorrow, God knows. But I think the whole waking up early and ironing my clothes and stuff helped me to get in the mood. I have a ton of things to do, when I think of it, but it's been kinda hard to focus lately. There's the thing about food also, at home, kept munching on stuff and I think I've put on weight. Haih. My lemaks oh my lemaks. Sweet stuff abundant also, and my eczema is flaring up T_T I'M SO FREAKING ITCHY RN.

I also fought with le fiance today. Yeah, what's new. We need time away from each other I think. Been giving each other crap. Tbh I think it's mostly the separation cuz we usually see each other few once in few days, but it's been 2 weeks. We are better at communicating face to face, and texting and calling has its limits. And I'm on PMS today so, it didn't help if I'm being emotional.

*shrugs*

This lockdown also triggers me to want to cook and bake, but I'm torn between finishing things in the house and wanting to bake. That and I should stop having sweet stuffs cuz I'M SO ITCHY. Had like a lot of Kinder Bueno and Aisyah made kek batik, so....very very very sugary stuff. All the bacteria in my body is having a field day and zooming thru my blood vessels happily. Maybe I'll make that tiramisu tomorrow. I do wanna make lauk and stuff, but that day I made Ayam Masak Merah and macam okay okay la, so I dunno what else to make. It's kinda a hit or miss. I modified this Masak Kicap 3 Budak Gemok instead of using chicken, I deep fried tahu and tempe and it was a big hit with the fam. Ayam Masak Merah tak sangat pulak. Ntoh.

It's 10PM. I should sleep.